FAIL = Me

Upcoming 2012 Games

2012-02-11T22:45:00.004+08:00

Honestly, 2012 is by far the richest year in terms of games. In the next two or so months there're a lot - and by a lot I really mean a lot - of interesting games being released. Quite unfortunate that 2012 should be such a good year for playing when I have so little time. Sigh, oh well...

Anyway, here're the games on my list in date order.

Tales of the Abyss 3DS (N3DS) - 14th February
My Valentines for this year. Not that I'd be playing it on Valentines' Day, though.

I've been wanting to try the Tales of series for a long time now, and this will be the first game I play from the franchise. It's actually a re-release of the PS2 game from about 5 or 6 years ago, and it currently holds a Metacritic rating of 76, which isn't exactly high - lower in fact than FF XIII-2 which got 78 IIRC (How the hell did a game like that get 78 anyway?!). Well, no matter. It's not the best Valentines I can ask for, but it's worth the try since the franchise is a pretty renowned JRPG franchise which rarely gets localised.

Metal Gear Solid 3D: Snake Eater (N3DS) - 21st February
This. This is the highlight - a 3DS remake of MGS which was originally on the PS2 and more recently remastered for the PS3. I'm now an extremely avid fan of Metal Gear Solid, which automatically makes this game a must-play in my books. And to top that off, Snake Eater is my favourite game from the ones I've played, which makes this even more promising. Really looking forward to playing this one and comparing it with the HD remade version.

Devil Survivor 2 (NDS) - 28th February
Three games on three consecutive weeks is really a little too much. Back then, I really enjoyed Devil Survivor: Overclocked for its storyline which delved deeply into many real world themes such as religion in great detail. Naturally, why wouldn't I want to play the sequel to that? And yet I'm choosing to give this a miss - at least for now. Like I said, three games on three consecutive weeks is way too much for me. And I'm quite sure 28th February coincides with field camp or some shit, which means I'd either be dead or dead by then.

Anyway, I'm generally giving more priority to the next-gen handheld or console games, so unfortunately I'm going to have to leave this behind until there comes a period where I've completed all the other games and there happens to be no new game being released. Besides, since Devil Survivor received a 3DS upgrade, there's a chance that this one will too, so I'll rather wait it out.

Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm Generations (PS3) - 13th March
Yet another instalment in Naruto fighting games which I've always enjoyed. The hype for these games is usually tremendous, although the game itself tends to end up disappointing in several ways. This time's hype really is tremendous as well, and I'm really excited about this game as well. Amongst the many highlights include a Jiraiya story mode (holy fucking shit!), many new characters such as Shodaime Hokage, Nidaime Hokage, Zabuza and Haku, the Five Kages, Danzo, Masked Madara etc, upgraded Jutsus like Naruto's Senpo: Cho Oodama Rasendarengan, upgraded Awakenings like Naruto's Controlled Jinchuuriki Form, and the like.

Naruto fighting games are almost always fun at the onset, even though they tend to fall short in fully representing characters. Whatever it is, I'm getting this game without any doubt.

Tales of Graces F (PS3) - 13th March
Yet another instalment from the Tales of series that Namco Bandai finally decided to release in English since its Japanese release some two years ago. This, being a console version, is no doubt one I anticipate far more than Tales of the Abyss. It releases on the same day as Generations, which means I'd be getting two games simultaneously (that's why I say this is one hell of a year for gaming. In the past few years I've never had the fortune of having so many releases in so close a period.). That said, I'm looking forward to this more than Naruto since I really enjoy good RPGs, and Tales of Graces F looks to be a good one.

Radiant Historia (NDS) - Late March
Holy shit!!! This was originally released last year, but with an extremely limited print which caused me to missed it. I was quite sad back then that I missed this game since I heard a lot of good things about it - and after all, it's developed by Atlus, and Atlus is an amazing developer - Persona 3 and Devil Survivor have proven as much. Guess what? In response to fan demand, they're reprinting the game!

Oh, and did I mention that the game's soundtrack is composed solely by Yoko Shimomura, mother of Dearly Beloved which has actually surpassed To Zanarkand as my favourite piece of music?

It also utilises time travelling like the abomination that XIII-2 is. I'm iffy about time-travelling but since Radiant Historia is developed by Atlus and has an aggregate score of 87 I'm actually quite interested to see how it used time travelling. This is up there with Tales of Graces F and Metal Gear Solid 3DS as the games I anticipate most.

Kingdom Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance (N3DS) - TBA
It has become a kind of instinct for me to play Kingdom Hearts games. While the version of Dearly Beloved on this one is my least favourite - it's still nice though - of all the versions, it doesn't change the fact that Kingdom Hearts usually boasts of a very charming storyline with beautiful music - it can't be bad if it's Yoko Shimomura.

Final Fantasy Type-0 (PSP) - TBA
Final Fantasy games - I play those without question too, so there's no further elaboration needed. I'm pretty sure this one will be better than XIII-2.

Fire Emblem: Awakening (N3DS) - TBA
It's been a long time since I last played a Fire Emblem game - I've only played two anyway. Depending on how reviews go, I might give this one a shot.

Final Fantasy X HD (PS3) - TBA
Need I say more? Add up my anticipation for ALL of the above games and it'll at best be on par with my anticipation for this game. Considering that it's been announced since last year and it's merely a remaster and not a remake, it should be released some time this year.

There're several other games, but there's very little chance that they''ll end up released in 2012 *cough*FF Versus XIII*cough* so I'll not post about them for now.

New Tumblr

2012-02-10T19:35:00.001+08:00

I've decided to move to another tumblr to post my random writings. It's in essence about the same as my previous one, except with a far more - to me, at least - polished layout and URL.

http://prologus-et-epilogus.tumblr.com/

2012-02-05T13:10:00.002+08:00

I am not weak. On the contrary, I am too strong for my own good. My mind will not bend, will not admit defeat, will not let itself die, even when it is clear that it has been so utterly defeated. What value there is in these feeble gropes at a more ideal future, I cannot tell, but still I try desperately to cling to some form of hope. I resist in the most abstract, most pointless of ways, and it is in the futility of resistance that I am worn down.

FF XIII-2 Review

2012-02-05T00:38:00.002+08:00

Final Fantasy XIII-2 (PS3) Review

It’ll get better. That’s what my mind kept telling me as it desperately tried to convince me to give the game a chance to prove itself with every hour I invested into the game. I can’t say it didn’t get better, but it did so at so late a stage and so insufficiently that my impression of the game had already reached an irreparable low.

XIII concluded its plot with a stinging sense of bittersweet relief and a heavy atmosphere of uncertainty – the main characters escaped their inescapable fates, but it was a whole new beginning for them, and one arrived at not without sacrifices. It left a lot that could be developed upon in a sequel, but XIII-2 used none of the obvious threads that hung from XIII’s ending, instead introducing a wholly unexpected plot premise – Lightning’s sudden disappearance, and malfunctions in the space-time continuum called paradoxes surfacing. And therefore, assuming the position of Serah Farron, XIII’s number-one fapworthy material, and the out-of-nowhere Noel somewhere from the future, you go on an adventure through both space and time in search of Lightning. That’s the backbone of XIII-2 for starters, but I shan’t go into it yet.

It’s quite obvious that XIII-2 has been structured around addressing the key criticisms that were directed at its predecessor. Of course the first thing that comes to mind is linearity. Square Enix’s response? The Historia Crux – time travelling – system. In name it’s time-travelling, but it’s really just another version of the world-traversing in Kingdom Hearts. Theoretically speaking it functions as an overworld of sorts, giving you the opportunity to visit various places of various eras, sidetracking from the storyline if you so desire and partaking in side quests. However, all it achieves is really the illusion of freedom. On paper you do get the freedom to sidetrack and visit places at will, but the locales are mostly just locations with fairly restricted pathways and flavourless environments which are pretty awkward to navigate around. Side quests are banal and completely unrewarding, which doesn’t help since the main story itself is already unrewarding to begin with.

Wild encounters – which were appreciably absent from XIII – return to XIII-2. Truthfully I do not and will possibly never understand this decision, since the system – I can think of no term to describe it specifically – employed in XIII worked wonders. While not as annoying as traditional random encounters, the system in XIII-2 still proves to be a thorn in the flesh at times, especially when you’re focussing on crossing some moving platform and get interrupted midway.

If anyone remembers, I cited XIII’s battle system as one of the best turn-based combat systems to ever grace the gaming industry. While the same system was brought over to XIII-2, in fact improved upon, it failed to induce the same kind of adrenaline that XIII managed: fast-paced, exhilarating, breathtaking. A paradox (I chuckle at the innuendo; XIII-2 sure is full of paradoxes) that fortunately has nothing to do with distortions in space-time or any of that nonsense, I can say only that the fantastic battle system has been wasted on very poorly designed opponents. Most of the time, the ‘Auto-Battle’ function was good enough to handle the foes, so much so that battles became little more than mindlessly pressing the same button while watching a less-than-interesting movie rolling on screen. I actually tried to improve upon the experience by avoiding the ‘Auto-Battle’ function, but the enemies were just so bland that it failed to make much of a difference at all.

And as if sudden acknowledging and responding to this bore, the game swerves and abruptly becomes extremely difficult in the concluding episodes. With no warning at all, you go from sweeping the floor with your foes to getting swept before you even register what the hell was going on – yes, this is so even with the wild encounters. In general the bosses were slightly better, requiring more tactical approaches and all, but they were far from memorable – well, except the final bosses which I remember only for being utter annoyances.

New to XIII-2 as well is the ability to capture monsters which function as the third party member in your battling team. From the onset I have not been fond of the idea, and poor implementation has made the already-uninspired mechanism an even worse addition to the game. First and foremost is the fact that capture is governed entirely by randomness. There’s no Pokeball, no bug net, no capsule or whatever the hell one uses to capture monsters – you just defeat the monster and pray that it gets captured. It’s not only a chore, it’s also an extremely unsubstantiated mechanism that feels hollow and incomplete.

There is a certain transience to these bestial teammates in the sense that, as you venture deeper into the game, you will inevitably have to rely on stronger monsters for no matter how much you’ve maximised the abilities of your previous pet, which means more mindless grinding. Compared to XIII which offered the option of six different human teammates to choose from, the restrictive two plus one monster system of XIII-2 simply falls flat and fails. I can think of no more to say except that: it fails.

Honestly I can’t believe I have had to use that much space just to elucidate the game’s technical faults – yes, that’s how heavily flawed the game is. And that’s not all.

Even down to the graphics, XIII-2 does not compare with XIII. It’s beautiful nonetheless, but the game made far heavier use of cutscenes rendered using the game-play’s graphics instead of actual pre-rendered CGI cutscenes, which are naturally far more salivating. The music isn’t even worth bringing up – it’s mediocre at best, and outright terrible at worst. And until now I can never understand why Square Enix refuses to allow the option for the original Japanese voiceovers to be retained – because in all honesty the performance of the English voice-acting is colourless and uninspired.

XIII has been often criticised for poor storytelling and development. Well, if you call that poor storytelling, wait till you see this. Time travelling mechanics have never been my kind of thing, but done well I truly believe that the mechanic can work – even in XIII-2’s premises – and can work wonders. Really, more so than a poor story, what XIII-2 suffers from is an extremely flawed execution of a story which otherwise showed some promise. Suffice it to say that for more than half of the story, I could not feel the intensity of the protagonists’ goals at all. I could not feel myself being absorbed into the characters – in fact, even by the end of the game which lasted about twenty hours, XIII-2 has failed to truly develop much of an affection between me and the characters. While Serah Farron is as cute and lovable as any female character can get, the poor storytelling has failed to develop her into anything more than a two-dimensional character with no properly elaborated depth of personality. As for Noel, I saw potential in him – he reminded me of Birth By Sleep’s Terra – but as far as I can see his potential was not developed upon well. With all that said, perhaps there is consolation in the fact that XIII-2’s villain actually deserves my sincere compliments in every regard – he actually managed to stand out as a very promising antagonist amidst everything else.

For no matter how much it was criticised, XIII still managed to sustain an intensity, a shortness of breath in the way its story developed that compelled me to follow the characters through to the end. XIII-2 managed this only towards the last two or so episodes, and while they redeemed the game’s lackadaisical story slightly, the damage that had been done for more than half of the game is far from reparable. To worsen things, XIII-2’s story isn’t even complete. Bits and pieces of details are teased by Square Enix as future DLC, and the game closes on a cliff-hanger which suggests another sequel to continue on the incompleteness of XIII-2. I’m afraid spending money on an incomplete game isn’t exactly my idea of a worthwhile purchase.

With XIII-2, Square Enix seems to have made the mistake of believing that simply picking out the issues most people had with XIII would turn XIII-2 into an A-grade game. Indeed, the introduction of an overworld, the abundance of side quests, the reversion to random encounters and a variety of other details – plot-wise as well – are visible attempts to revisit the premises of older Final Fantasies, but it appears they have tried too hard and therein missed the whole point, resulting in a Final Fantasy abysmally lacking in polish and quality – and above all, in a laudable storyline, which has always been the backbone of the franchise.

Sadly to say, Final Fantasy XIII-2 has completely disappointed me and is in fact one of the worst games I’ve played in a long while.

Gameplay score: 6/10
Storyline & Characters score: 7/10
Aesthetics score: 7.5/10
Enjoyment score: 6/10

Overall Final Fantasy XIII-2 score: 67/100

Next up,
Tales of the Abyss 3DS (N3DS) - 14th February
Metal Gear Solid 3D: Snake Eater (N3DS) - 21st February
Tales of Graces F (PS3) - 13th March
Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm Generations (PS3) - 13th March

FF XIII-2 opinions

2012-02-03T11:18:00.002+08:00

Final Fantasy XIII-2 is, in all brutal honesty, not captivating me yet. I'm only at the beginning stages of the game, but so far the story has failed to entice me. It is in fact a little cheesy and uninteresting, the premises and all. The game itself is pretty fun, with a highly fluid battle system, and the graphics are amazing as always. But that's about all - empty grandeur.

At the moment I can't picture myself giving this game a score above 80. I'm not sure if I'm becoming more critical (especially since the amazing experience of MGS still stays fresh in my mind) but so far FF XIII-2 is underwhelming even when compared to its predecessor.

Oh well. We'll see how it goes.

Snake Eater

2012-01-29T14:50:00.002+08:00

The most epic theme song from the most epic part of the MGS series, MGS3. It's by far my favourite of the MGS series, so I'm really looking forward to the 3DS remake of this game.

Snake Eater by Cynthia Harrell

What a thrill...
With darkness and silence through the night
What a thrill...
I'm searching and I'll melt into you
What a fear in my heart
But you're so supreme!

I'd give my life
Not for honour, but for you! [Snake Eater]
In my time there'll be no one else
Crime, it's the way I've lied to you! [Snake Eater]
I'm still in a dream,
Snake Eater!

Someday you go through the rain
And someday, you feed on a tree frog
This ordeal, the trial to survive
For the day we see new light!

I'd give my life
Not for honour, but for you! [Snake Eater]
In my time there'll be no one else
Crime, it's the way I've lied to you! [Snake Eater]
I'm still in a dream,
Snake Eater!

I am still in a dream,
Snake Eater!

Random shit

2012-01-28T17:41:00.003+08:00

This will be a long post, but at least it'll be spared the angst that currently lies buried inside me, because I do not feel like talking about it.

I finished In The Heart of the Country last week. While I like it much less compared to the other two of Coetzee's novels which I've read, it's nonetheless a very strong piece of work. My main gripes with it stem from the fact that it's rather abstruse and inaccessible - I really struggled with understanding it - and its themes are a little less relatable to common folks like me. Otherwise, Coetzee's craft still stands out and is really remarkable.

And just today, I finished Miyuki Miyabe's Ico: Castle in the Mist. It's not bad, in fact quite enjoyable. What the novel did was mainly to expand upon the videogame's mythos, explaining various phenomena as well as the origins of the castle and all. It also, I must say, took a very different perspective to the videogame's "storyline" to the one I took. Needless to say it's by far inferior to the absolutely stunning and involving beauty of the actual game itself, but it isn't by any means a bad read. The language could've been better - but honestly that's hardly a criticism when I take reference mainly to Coetzee these days - and I would have enjoyed the novel far more if the author had somehow connected the mythos of Shadow of the Colossus and Ico - as I'm fairly certain the developer had himself intended even though there was no clear explanation to that.

The novel had a standalone history to the castle and why Ico had to be sent as the Sacrifice. It's enjoyable enough, but I was hoping along the way that the story of Shadow of the Colossus - which ended with the unnatural birth of a horned child - would play a part. Quite disappointingly as well, the author made some slight changes to the original videogame's flow of events - I chide more than anything the fact that she chose to left out the extremely epic scene where Ico tried desperately with his life to drag Yorda out of the castle, only to fail and plunge into the ocean. I will never understand why the author chose to exclude that, since that was one of the most epic moments in the original videogame.

Anyway, the next novel I'm going to read shall be Coetzee's Slow Man. After that, I'll probably just read through the remaining novels in no particular order. In all honesty I find it hard for Disgrace and Waiting for the Barbarians, both of which I utterly enjoyed, to be surpassed, but I'll see how Coetzee surprises me.

I haven't been writing this week since I've been spending my time reading. Still, I'm making decent progress I guess. I've thought of a title, and I've completed two chapters, numbering up to 6500 words. All that in three weeks, since I didn't write this week.

My progress with reading and writing will no doubt slow down, though... I'm getting little to no free time these days in that hellhole, and at home, I'm going to be occupied by something else soon. Next weekend, assuming I get out successfully, I'll probably be spending time on Final Fantasy XIII-2 which releases on the 31st of January. 2012's a great year for games, honestly. There're a whole LOT of games getting released this year.

February 14th: Tales of the Abyss 3DS.
February 21st: Metal Gear Solid 3DS: Snake Eater (OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
March 13th: Tales of Graces F
March 13th: Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm Generations

There'll likely be news of Versus XIII, FF X HD release and some others too, like The Last Guardian, an artistic game by Team ICO. Lotsa games, basically. Pity that I'll hardly have the time to play them, so I'll probably prioritise.

Anyway, about writing. Since I went into that hellhole, I'm somehow on a roll. I've written four poems since I went in, a prose, and went a sizeable distance into my story. Not that they're worth anything, but these days it doesn't matter to me. I'm just writing for the sake of writing, since I quite enjoy it. I'm gradually finding my niche in writing to be that of prose. I still feel that poetry contains a latent power that can express certain emotions in a far stronger manner than prose can, but it seems to be beyond me to call upon that power. I'll still try to work on them, but increasingly I feel a growing distaste for my own poetry. Something is missing, lacking, but I can't seem to identify what and fix it.

I am, on the other hand, a little bit stronger in prose. Not strong, but stronger. So I think I might be writing more prose when I can. As time passes by, I am not sure why but my inclination towards fantasy is growing weaker. Instead, I'm becoming increasingly attuned to the idea of writing realistic fiction. Not that I'm no longer interested in fantasy. I still am, but now I feel like going into writing things set in the real world too, so I might occasionally write a short story or two - much like the narratives of secondary school.

One step at a time, I guess. I have hardly got any time anyway.

Metal Gear Solid 2 novelisation

2012-01-22T12:00:00.004+08:00

I've finished it. The script was kept entirely intact, but the author's writing is mediocre at best. The descriptions were fairly lacklustre, the elaborations were rudimentary, and in all honesty I think even I can write better than that, so it wasn't good at all. The only things in there I may have failed to replicate would be the technical vocabulary.

Still, the story of MGS2 is interesting, and having played the game, reading it felt quite like reliving the game's amazing experience. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm reading this right after completing the masterpiece that Coetzee's Waiting for the Barbarians was, which really makes this one look like shit in comparison. Not worth the money.

Anyway, I'm currently into Coetzee's In The Heart of the Country. It's written in a very different style (like a journal) which I prefer less compared to his powerful narrative, but his language is still top-notch.

After that I'm going to start reading Ico: Castle in the Mist. It's the one I'm looking forward most to right now since I really loved the game.

2012-01-21T22:44:00.002+08:00

Too frequently have I been faced with the intense need to express myself in tears, but always at inappropriate times when the tears must not be allowed to escape, and I have to end up forcing them back in.

But when the time finally comes when I can let them flow freely, they do not come.

Sometimes I think I really need to just let it all out. When I sit down and think, I am filled with an immense melancholy, a weight in my heart which I cannot shake off. Everything ahead is just so... bleak. Absolutely bleak in every respect... sigh.

I know not what more to say.

First Love

2012-01-21T12:44:00.002+08:00

I'm saving the last MGS song I wanna use for later, so for now I'll use this.

First Love by Utada Hikaru English Lyrics

our last kiss
tasted like tobacco
a bitter and sad smell

tomorrow, at this time
where will you be?
who will you be thinking about?

you are always gonna be my love
even if I fall in love with someone once again
I'll remember to love
you taught me how
you are always gonna be the one
it's still a sad song
until I can sing a new song

the paused time is
about to start moving
there's many things that I don't want to forget about

tomorrow, at this time
I will probably be crying
I will probably be thinking about you

you will always be inside my heart
you will always have your own place
I hope that I have a place in your heart too
now and forever you are still the one
it's still a sad song
until I can sing a new song

you are always gonna be my love
even if I fall in love with someone once again
I'll remember to love
you taught me how
you are always gonna be the one
it's still a sad song
until I can sing a new song

Kinokuniya

2012-01-20T23:32:00.004+08:00

I managed to finish Coetzee's Waiting for the Barbarians last week, and even though I didn't examine it in as much detail and depth as I did with Disgrace, I must say that it really mesmerized me. Coetzee's writing style is just amazing; it flows in a way that strikes the heart so inexorably. His descriptions are ultra-powerful, and the way he structures his sentences is just... I don't know man, it's just on a whole other level. I was honestly in very low spirits when reading the novel, and as if in accordance to my mood, the novel has a rather low-spirited and bleak atmosphere, even towards its end. Not tragic, but bleak. Quite like Disgrace, I'd say - it ends on fairly low spirits, but there're subtle hints towards some form of hope in the future.

I really, really love the sentence which closes the novel. It struck my heart deeply, perhaps because it resonates with how I feel entirely.

"Like much else nowadays I leave it feeling stupid, like a man who lost his way long ago but presses on along a road that may lead nowhere."

It wrenched my heart in an inexplicable way. It's just amazing. That said, I don't believe that he can maintain that incredulous level of linguistic power in EVERY novel of his. Despite that, I'm so bought over by Disgrace and Waiting for the Barbarians that I pretty much went and bought ALL of his novels. Unfortunately I missed out Elizabeth Costello, but I'd get that eventually.

So yeah. I went to Takashimaya's Kinokuniya today. I felt so... thrilled when I went in there, because it's so massive and filled to the brim with all the books that I could ever want. It was a high beyond what even shopping for games gives me. So yeah, the moment I went in there, I went and swiped all the Coetzee books I wanted. I accidentally left one out, but that's okay for now, I guess. Here they are:

These two are actually based on Coetzee's own life, and are followed by Summertime which I already bought the other time.

Don't know much about this except that it's Coetzee's first novel.

Supposedly, this is one of Coetzee's most popular novels according to wiki, so I look forward to it.

Don't know much about these either. I don't really know much, do I?

This, on the other hand, is the one I'm looking forward to reading most, because the book summary really piqued my interest.

"When photographer Paul Rayment loses his leg in a bicycle accident, his solitary life is irrevocably changed. Stubbornly refusing a prosthesis, he returns to his bachelor's apartment, where he struggles with bouts of hopelessness, reluctantly adapts to his dependency on others, and finds himself falling in love.

In his clear and uncompromising voice, Nobel Prize winner J.M Coetzee offers us a profound meditation on what makes us human, on what it means to grow older and reflect on how we have lived our lives. He has crafted a deeply moving story about love and mortality that dazzles the reader on every page."

More so than the other novels, the summary alone already strikes me. It seems like such a heartfelt novel, so I really want to read it. I'm still in the middle of In the Heart of the Country though.

Anyway, I'm such an avid fan of Coetzee that it should come as no surprise any longer. There're two other novels I bought that are a little more interesting...

METAL GEAR SOLID 2 NOVELISATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really love the Metal Gear Solid series, and 2 is by far the deepest and most philosophical of the ones I've played, so when I saw this I gasped and my heart thumped ferociously. I was so excited by this. I'm not sure how good a job the author has done, but I'll see about that. I flipped a little and much of the game's script seems to be retained, which means the effect should be there. I'm actually writing a stealth-based story, so this would be a good read.

And...

I FINALLY FOUND THIS NOVEL WHICH HAS ESCAPED ME FOR SO LONG. ICO'S NOVELISATION, TRANSLATED IN ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As should be obvious by now I really loved the experience Ico provided, which is why I was really eager to explore the novel. Still, one of Ico's most beautiful aspects is the amount it achieves in so little words, so a novel (based on words) would definitely fail that, so I highly doubt that the novel will provide an experience on par with the videogame. Still, I think it'll be a worthy experience.

And that sums up my shopping spree. There's a slight twist to my 2012 resolution - and that'll be to read ALL - yes ALL - of Coetzee's novels (as well as the other two) by this year. To be honest I'm not sure if circumstances will allow it, but hey, no harm in trying.

I'm a happy man today~ Retail therapy really works. My heavy mood is temporarily lifted by the adrenaline rush of buying these things.

2012-01-15T09:49:00.002+08:00

Destroyed, and then reformed. Destroyed again, then reformed again. I live my life like a puppet on my weekdays, constantly paranoid, constantly fearful, constantly pushed to the limits of my mental capacity. And when the weekends come, I crumble into pieces from the sheer exhaustion and mental trauma. Then come the weekdays again, where those broken pieces are forcefully put together and strung to the puppeteer's strings again. Rinse and repeat.

I am tired of the process. Whatever motivation or strength I can muster up to pull myself through this is not proving to be sufficient. I am tired, tired even of holding on to the last vestiges of what I can call 'myself'. I should let go of everything, let it all crash, but then my hands remain clasped even on the brink of giving way.

I do not wish to die, but I do not wish to live either. What a way to live my beautiful life.

Sometimes, I wish that I'd be destroyed so entirely that I sink into a constant state of darkness. By then, I would at least be used to it. What use is there in living life 80% in darkness before being mocked by a few glimmers of hope only to have it all crashing down on one's world?

I just wish to hide in a cave somewhere, curled up, hibernating. I'm tired.

2012-01-14T17:18:00.002+08:00

My little project is progressing smoothly. Slowly, but it inches forward ever so certainly. I've come up with a title for it, laid out the plot from start to end, and completed up to half of Chapter 2. All that really has to be done is write and flesh things out.

Up until now, I've been putting most of my attention into writing, but I decided to pause and take a look at Coetzee's Waiting for the Barbarians. Hitherto I have only read it sparsely and irregularly, but now that I'm making an earnest effort to indulge in it, I have come to realise how magical Coetzee's writing really is. There is a nuance in his language, a power that I cannot, for no matter how hard I try, measure up to. I can attempt to imitate his style for all I want, but I cannot even scratch the surface of how deep his mastery goes.

I cannot, I must admit, truly understand the depth behind his words. Yet, beneath those sentences, those words he uses, I can sense a wealth of depth even if I can't tap into it. There's just a magic to the way he writes that evokes such thought and emotion - his words really are alive.

I'm barely halfway through the novel, but I'm already in love with it - all that without truly grasping the novel's themes. If I have the chance, I would love to engage it in a more intellectual manner and understand it literarily. For now, I'll have to make do with scratching the surface and understanding the novel's story before I can go any further.

2012-01-14T15:55:00.003+08:00

In some way, I have been killed.

Calling To The Night

2012-01-07T23:35:00.003+08:00

Still on MGS, another song.

"But the heart will remain
as a silhouette of time
Hear the ringing echoes in the splitting horizon."

I really, really love the imagery of the above verse. I don't know how to put it, but it's so beautiful somehow.

Calling to the Night Lyrics

Through the night to the day
When everything is gone
Carry this soul away from the dry lands

In the sun we see fighting over lines
All our dreams and wishes we send home for safe keeping
Fighting for what’s right

Calling to the night
To dream again in the light
Waiting for a storm to rise and
Feel the isolation fleeting

Calling to the night
To be or not to be fighting here
Leaving without you, leaving my soul behind
Calling to the night
Colors of Kodachrome fade with time

Calling to the night
For us, for every single life
All the ashes of men remain as a perfect memory
Calling to the night

But the heart will remain
As a silhouette of time
Hear the ringing echos in the splitting horizon

Calling to the night

Project 2012

2012-01-07T10:03:00.003+08:00

One of my 2012 resolutions (which I am for once going to actively try to accomplish) is to write a short story, a one-shot battle scene of sorts since I really enjoy writing those and haven't done so for a long time. I had vague ideas since last year, but I managed to conceptualise something on 1st January 2012 (good day to start on the year's resolution eh). Since then, I've actually been working on it very actively.

However, as I progressed, this little project has grown quite significantly. Beyond a mere one-shot scene, I've actually got an entire story to write about. Not exactly a novel, since I am completely incapable of something so massive in scale, but a story nonetheless, divided into chapters and the like.

My life has reached an all-time low, to the extent that I am barely even living. I have been relegated to a pawn, a dog even, following mindless commands and instructions that my mind has to shut down in order to follow - for otherwise, the mental resistance would destroy me. I can hardly lead a life of such dryness, so as much as possible I have been trying to give it some moisture. Just a little. This is my way of doing it, I guess. With whatever free time I have in that horrible place, I've been working on this little project of mine, drafting blueprints and ideas on paper to bring home and edify. I realise this is in essence a little like Lurie's opera, which gives him meaning in life, and indeed, this little project does seem to make my current life a little less... aimless. It's just a small project for myself to dabble in, one without any prospects at all. It will yield me no glory. It is ultimately a worthless piece of writing, but I write it for no one and nothing, just for myself, myself and myself. Effectively, writing is no longer some kind of aspiration I have for the future, just an activity I partake in for myself.

For now, I've yet to be capable of finding a title that'd fit my project, so I've decided to dub it with the cliche - but who cares? - title: Project 2012 until I decide on a title. I've fished around for ideas, but the ones I could arrive at are all rather... unexciting.

My inspiration comes to some degree from my current lifestyle, but more importantly, my greatest source of inspiration this time is Metal Gear Solid. To a lesser extent, Ico as well, but Metal Gear Solid is the main fuel for this project, because it's almost like an MGS fanfiction. I've borrowed several concepts from the series and improvised them a little in this project - yes, instead of my usual dose of magic and the like, I'm actually going for guns and the like this time. And of course, something MGS-inspired cannot do without stealth, so I'm actually writing it with a stealth-centered approach.

The whole thing is in fact going to work a little more like a game script rather than a narrated story, since I've actually planned out the scenarios in the same way a game would have played out - with the initial stages being a little easier; with each sequence eventually leading to major battles; and story progression in the same way. It does, I realise, make the realism a little questionable. But I'm somehow unaffected by that... I don't even care about that. I'm not writing to be published or to create a masterpiece. I'm just writing to write. In essence, this is now my way of playing a game. I'm creating a game, without the programming that is. Heck, I can even think of music that goes along with each scene and each battle. Dearly Beloved for one of the earliest scenes. Many MGS themes would fit into the action. Oh, and Miyamoto Shunichi's Caged Bird, which could work as a "Main Theme" of sorts for the entire story.

Over the past week, I actually managed to finish my ~900 word long Prologue yesterday, so that's a bit of an achievement I guess. I don't know where this project would go, probably nowhere, but at least it's something to work on for the year. Hopefully it doesn't join the long list of works which I stopped writing halfway.

I'll see how it goes, I guess.

2012-01-06T14:47:00.003+08:00

It's a terrible way to live. Of course, I'm not supposed to blog about it, but hey, what am I blogging about? I make no mention of specifics, and therefore am not blogging about that, am I? I can't help but laugh at the stupidity of the censorship.

My time is not mine. For the next two years, I'll have to live my life doing things completely meaningless to me, with little to no time to spend on the things I actually want to do, like play the countless amazing games that're coming out this year. Sigh. Final Fantasy XIII-2. Tales of the Abyss 3DS. Tales of Graces F. Naruto Shippuden Ultimate Ninja Storm Generation. Metal Gear Solid 3D: Snake Eater. There's a whole lot more.

Speaking of Metal Gear Solid, I haven't had the time - nor energy and mind - to write reviews for MGS 3 and 4, but I really love the series. Even now, weeks after completing the games, I still marvel at how much I enjoyed them - especially MGS 3, my personal favourite. It's been a long time since I last experienced something I like so much, to the extent of missing the games. Amazing storyline, amazing gameplay, and extremely fantastic soundtracks (which are my best company in that-place-that-must-not-be-mentioned). Seriously, those songs and tracks really help me there, since they're arguably somewhat linked to war and all, which makes them so much more relatable and beautiful.

There's something else I wanted to blog about, but I feel like sleeping so I'll just take a short nap before that.

2012-01-02T10:22:00.002+08:00

I am not in pain, not anymore. Just sheer bitterness, bitterness tormenting and overwhelming my entire being. I look back, and laugh at the troubles I used to have. Still, they did nonetheless give me pain back then. That doesn't change. Of course, it's completely nothing compared to what I go through now. Completely nothing. I can say for certain that never, never have I felt this overwhelmed by such a horrendous negativity. It grips me, fills me with shadows and dark thoughts.

I'm trying my best to disperse that cloud of shadows, but for every effort I make to do so, the negativity multiplies tenfold. I am victim to my own mind, which conjures an endless stream of darkness to cloud me. No positive thoughts I can think are strong enough to dilute the bitterness. I don't even know what to do anymore.

I originally wanted to use another song. But I think I'll keep this a while more. The best is yet to come. I need to believe in that.

2012-01-01T14:58:00.001+08:00

There's no reblog function on Blogger, but nevertheless, I'm going to do a manual reblog of a post I made on 12 January 2011:

"
- 絶対あきらめない:

Never give up, even in the most trying of circumstances.
"

2012-01-01T01:57:00.002+08:00

I am a fool. A stupid, ignorant, idealistic, naive fool who lives in dreams and crumbles in reality. A fool. Have always been one, am one, will probably continue being one.

A fucking stupid fool.

2011-12-30T12:11:00.001+08:00

I must curb the acrimony. It is driving my mind beyond the limits of sanity. My temper is so foul that it has become uncontrollable on an unprecedented level. I am becoming blind, indiscriminate. I need my sanity back.

2011-12-24T23:48:00.004+08:00

I wrote these while inside that hellhole. Of course I've edited and polished them a little, but the bulk was written there. And although they're kinda writings, they're quite obviously based on myself and so I'm posting them here. I was trying - but failing - to imitate Coetzee's third-person limited narrative.

9.08 a.m. The sunlight of morning is scintillating its glory, reflecting off the vast surface of the sea. Such brilliance, he thinks, like diamonds embedded atop crystal. On any other day, he would have inhaled deeply and savoured the cool, refreshing smell of the sea. He has always loved the openness of the ocean. It provided him with a certain spaciousness that made it easy to breathe. Yet, today it yields nothing – nothing to his heart, at least. What value is there in the road that lies ahead?

Still, he is washed forward by the currents of people being ushered aboard the ferry – a large, almost grand, Penguin fast craft with a carrying capacity of well over a hundred, he guesses. He takes a seat second from the window, flanked by his parents. They smile gallantly. He returns the gesture. Chatter swirls in the atmosphere, incongruous with the irregular groans of the ferry as it prepares to set off.

He gives a look at the plasma television on the front wall of the ferry. A slow, uplifting music can be heard above all the noise with a carefully-angled, slow-motioned shot of soldiers standing in attention on the screen. A narrator drones, and without paying attention he catches the words ‘honour’ and ‘pride’. How ridiculous! There can be no such thing as honour, no such thing as victory, not in war. There is only death. Death, disgrace and defeat. Irritably, he looks away, through the window pane which has been plastered with a dark-coloured filter, dimming the bright and boundless ocean that mocked him from the outside. Small fragments of colour creep in through several holes where the filter has torn.

He gazes at the light until a low rumble resonates in the air and the ferry begins to decelerate to a halt. His mother’s hand ruffles his hair endearingly. He does not speak, but smiles and alights. A long wooden path beckons him to walk on. He does so. By now, he has been separated from his parents who have been assembled with other parents in another row, segregated by a small fence from the long line of prospective recruits. As he walks slowly, heavily, down the path, he sees a large overhead banner depicting a soldier embracing his tear-filled mother to the caption “It’s not what you leave behind. It’s what you gain in the days ahead.” Yet another pathetic attempt at evoking some nonsensical sense of pride or patriotism.

He soon arrives at a stairway. Taking a final glance backwards, both at his parents – though he failed to identify them amidst the crowds – and at the shimmering ocean, he sighs and closes his eyes for a brief second.

All that he held dear was about to be ripped away from him.

---

It is his first night in foreign clothes on a foreign bed of a foreign land. He shuffles from left to right, pulls the blanket over only to kick it aside, and closes his eyes only to reopen them. He is utterly fatigued, exhausted, tired. From mind to flesh to bone, he is completely worn out. Still, no matter how hard he tries, slumber does not come to him. He gives a look at his alarm clock. 12.30a.m. Frustrated, he sits up on the bed, scanning the room only to see everyone else dead asleep. He lies down again, staring blankly at the blankness of the ceiling.

At this moment, a stream of memories floods his mind inexorably. He recalls not the luxury of the warm showers he has had the privilege to enjoy at home. He recalls not the velvety familiarity of his bed and pillow. He does not even recall the hours blasted on the games he has always enjoyed so much. Instead, he recalls the slow, serene nights spent in heartfelt chatter with his dearest friend. He recalls the playful banter shared between him and his self-proclaimed sister. He recalls the nights spent with his parents for simple dinners. He recalls walking down the aisles of a supermarket shopping for grocery with his cousin.

All those times, all those times which had previously been nothing unusual to him – how endearing they now are! Will he ever be able to relive those times again? A tinge of melancholy fills him, but more than that, a surge of gratitude overwhelms his heart. For all of these people who have left a part of their lives in his heart; for all of these people to whom he has given his heart, he finds no words sufficient for his thankfulness. They are the reasons why he lives, and why he must continue living. Yes, he will pull through, if not for himself then for them.

Before he even realises it, he is sound asleep.

---

The La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo is a heartless organisation, one that operates by pulling the strings to its copious human puppets. What is an outright disrespect and defiance of the most fundamental human dignity, free will and individuality goes masqueraded under the euphemism ‘discipline’. And what is a clear lack of regard for the individual human life goes justified by the word ‘loyalty’.

He gleans through the lyrics of their so-called songs composed for the purpose of boosting morale, but they do the reverse instead. They annoy him to no end. Not in the ungrammatical or the unmelodious nature of these compositions, but in how death is cheapened and reduced to a whimsical and nonsensical rhythm. He is aware that he is looking at it with the wrong perspective. He is taking them way too seriously. Yet he cannot shake off his disapproval, he cannot look past the fact that death is expected of soldiers. Nonsensical catharsis neither alleviates nor alters the fact that war is an arena where death is commonplace, and such an arena should not even exist in the first place.

He is being naïve. He knows, deep down, that his bitterness is rooted in blindness, in idealism far too distanced from the reality. Still, he clings to it dearly. What would become of his heart should it come to accept this unfeeling, harsh and dishonourable scenario? Acceptance does make things easier for one, perhaps, but it also comes with resignation and defeat. When one accepts, one no longer makes a conscious effort to challenge, evaluate or reject. One accepts and subscribes without question, or without answers to one’s questions.

In spite of his annoyance, he does indeed sing along when he has to. Has he too accepted, and therefore died inside? He chooses to believe otherwise. He sings not out of homage to their codes of conducts or principles, but because he has no choice but to do so. He must cling to life, even if it means letting his body be the subject of their control.

They have his body completely strung to their fingers, but at the very least, they will never have his heart.

The Best Is Yet To Come

2011-12-23T23:43:00.001+08:00

I don't have much to say for now except that I'm back - for now at least! Anyway, I'm changing songs. Still on Metal Gear Solid, The Best Is Yet To Come by singer-whose-name-is-too-weird-for-me-to-remember. It's an irish song, I think, and I'm somehow hooked onto it.

The Best Is Yet To Come Translation

Do you remember love
Love from a tormented heart
Not fleeting, as with music at night
But an eternal love
Now tainted
Now tainted
Go now and reclaim it
Go now and love

Recall the times
when you were happy.
Recall the times
when you laughed.

Life is wonderful
Do you have faith in it?
Turn your face to life,
To eternal joy.

What happened to those days?
What happened to those nights?
Do you remember
How you turned to grief? Do you remember
How you turned to sorrow?
Is the blame mine or ours?

Our feelings grew faint
What caused our grief and fighting?
Can there be beauty in life?
Search for it.
Can there be happiness in life?
Believe it.

Brb!

2011-12-09T00:05:00.002+08:00

And all is set with the epic music.

Love Virtually

2011-12-08T18:44:00.003+08:00

I have a surprising lot to blog about.

First things first, Love Virtually by Daniel Glattauer. I successfully finished the novel - though it really functions more like a play, given its style - today, and I'm quite surprised at how enjoyable it is. It was classified under Literature in PageOne, though I wasn't expecting a heavy read - more so a random light read. Still, it's surprisingly... thematic. Given the time, it'd actually be a good book to read closely and analyse since it seemed quite relatable in some aspects.

I wasn't exactly scrutinising the book, but I could identify some rather interesting ideas being discussed in there. Communication, in particular - online communication. And the virtual world as opposed to the real world. The premises are interesting and unique, plus the storyline is actually pretty complex - really, the title and the cover made it look somewhat simplistic, and I was kinda expecting something simple. I don't think I can discuss these ideas in detail, but the novel proved to be rather thought-provoking. And I really need to read its sequel to find out what follows from the rather painful ending to this one.

Next...

Somehow, I no longer feel like blogging any further. I'll probably write another post a little later.

2011-12-07T22:21:00.002+08:00

Resolutions for the next two days

2011-12-06T22:49:00.003+08:00

I have two days left. Two days. Obviously insufficient, but they will have to do, for they are all I have. I'll have to do as much of what I wish to do as possible within the little time I have left, so I'll just blog about the list of things I'll try to complete within the next two days.

Most importantly of all, I guess, is to talk with the people I know I'd miss really, really, really dearly. Self-explanatory, I guess, so I shan't elaborate.

Otherwise... if I spend the next two days doing nothing except playing, it's actually not a stretch to want to be able to complete Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. And yes, that is one of the things I'm actually wishing to complete.

Still, I don't think I really want to spend my remaining days doing nothing but play. Of course, my primary activity would probably be to play, but I don't think I'll force myself to play to the point of completion without doing anything else at all. For one, I actually wish to write something. A short prose, perhaps. Not that I can actually accomplish much within two days, so this is kinda tentative, but I do wish to try to complete one last piece of writing before leaving. I'll try at least, but I won't force myself to since writing... isn't exactly something that can be forced.

Of course, I need to mentally fortify myself for the coming two weeks, which will without a doubt be the toughest two weeks of my life. I know that without a doubt, since my life has been fairly easy all along.

And I need to spend time with my parents - especially my mother. I don't even know how she's gonna fare with me in there, since she's so possessive of me.

Ah, and I have to make a list of resolutions for the next two weeks too.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. I'll make the best of what I have left!

Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty Review

2011-12-06T11:32:00.002+08:00

I've successfully completed Metal Gear Solid 2 and 3. I'm hoping that I can finish MGS 4 with the last two days I have, but I'm pretty doubtful of being able to. Anyway, now that I've covered the stories of the older games, I must say that I'm officially a Metal Gear Solid fanboy. It's really an amazing franchise, both in its superb game-play and excellent plots. Here's the MGS 2 review. I doubt I'd be writing one for MGS 3 anytime soon, but I'll probably work on a review for both MGS 3 and 4 eventually.

Interestingly, this review is my shortest ever at 1.2k - though it's still a long-ass chunk of crap.

Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty [HD Remastered Version] (PS3/PS2) Review

When performing a Google search of Metal Gear Solid turned up ‘Metal Gear Solid HD Collection announced’ in the results, I was honestly very elated. My virgin encounter with the franchise a few years back with Guns of the Patriots did not turn out well, firstly because I was new to the genre of Stealth Action (and guns, which I often shot blindly into the skies) and I sucked so badly at it that I didn’t exactly enjoy it. Secondly because I caught no balls of the very convoluted story since I had completely no background of the previous games. Despite this, I developed a growing fondness for the genre as I got better (well, slightly) and, well aware that a proper appreciation of the storyline can only be possible with proper background knowledge, I felt a strong thirst to try out the prequels to Metal Gear Solid 4, which was the concluding chapter. All that was to be quenched by this collection.

Ten years old, Sons of Liberty has, in all honesty, not aged that well. A few minutes into the game and I can see very clearly that the game-play is completely dated to the point of being clumsy and unwieldy. The graphics too are nothing spectacular by today’s standards, with bulky polygonal character models and less-than-impressive resolutions. In spite of this, Sons of Liberty is not the highest-rated Metal Gear Solid game without good reason.

Whilst it indeed took a while to get used to the dated playing style of this game, Sons of Liberty played excellently as soon as I adapted myself to its controls. Everything simply clicked and worked to create a highly fluid and exhilarating stealth action game – from aiming and shooting to crouching and sneaking, Sons of Liberty simply pulled it off even with those dated control schemes. Noteworthy as well is the fact that the game manages to tweak the controls – ever so slightly and yet significantly – to accommodate Raiden as the protagonist in this saga of Metal Gear Solid. The roll manoeuvre of Raiden is much more acrobatic and agile, for example, and his CQC animations are quicker and sleeker as well, which provided a very nice contrast from Snake who is controlled in the earlier parts of the game. The inclusion of a blade for Raiden too, added an appreciable mechanic to the game, though the controls for this could’ve been better, I find.

The overall atmosphere of the game simply worked and enhanced the stealth action factor of the game. From sneaking up behind the sentries and grabbing them in a chokehold to firing a tranquiliser shot right at the head of a guard who blocks your way, everything is simply breathtaking. Even more praiseworthy, however, are the excellent boss battles that complement the already-thrilling stages in the game. Each of the boss battles were nuanced with their own unique touch and were exhilaratingly challenging without proving to be frustrating – a feat, I must say, because most challenging bosses annoy the hell out of me *cough*SotC*cough* – in the least. I give praise in particular to the final boss fight which I felt stood out quite significantly in how it was fought, though I shan’t give any spoilers.

I am also amazed at the level of environmental detail – rivalling Ico’s, which I praised – given to Sons of Liberty in spite of its dated graphics. The attention Kojima paid to the tiniest details in the environment – gun shells, water dripping and birds in the background – made the entire experience feel so real that I was absorbed into the game thoroughly. Moreover, everything looked good enough to play even by today’s standard, so the dated graphics weren’t that much of an issue at all – especially since the cutscenes were still very enjoyable, boosted by the also fantastic voice-acting. More than anything aesthetically-related, the excellent score that went with the game is perhaps the one thing I can give highest praise to. For a game that’s ten years old, one can hardly complain much about the game’s aesthetics which are actually fairly pleasing even by today’s standards.

What Sons of Liberty really shines in, however, is its plot – controversial though such a statement may be. Both of the incidents detailed within Sons of Liberty – the Tanker and the Big Shell incidents – are highly compelling, with revelations and mysteries intertwining and complementing each other perfectly to drive the plot onwards, both rewarding one with answers to the myriads of questions and enigmas that enshroud the game as well as baiting one into seeking more answers. The development of the plot as one moves from each immediate objective to another is also decorated with many plot events of epic scale, making the entire story a highly fast-paced and enthralling one which never, even for a moment, slows down and feels remotely like a bore.

While Kojima may have been a little over-ambitious with the heavy use of philosophical ideas (especially late-game), I actually appreciate the depth given to the game’s plot as it really added a further dimension and provoked thought. That said, it could definitely have used better execution, as the overload of such philosophical ideas at a go in one scene late game was by far too overwhelming and too abstruse for most people to be able to understand and accept without clutching their heads in confusion. The main story of Metal Gear Solid, which took me only about 13 hours to complete, is indeed a little too short. While unnecessarily lengthening the game would only have harmed it, I can’t help but feel that Sons of Liberty would have been better if it was just a little longer – touching 17 ~ 20 hours, perhaps? This is purely a judgement on the plot, though, since replayability is hardly an issue with the various features – albeit far less impressive than the main story – added from the ‘Substance’ version, such as the additional challenges and ‘Snake Tales’ – a series of missions told from Snake’s viewpoint.

The many characters in Sons of Liberty play very enjoyable roles as well, making it hard not to be emotionally engaged with the plot, what with all these characters who aid – and leave – you along the way. Notably, Raiden’s status as protagonist in this game has been the subject of heavy criticism from fans, although I actually don’t see any fault in his characterisation. While no one can deny that he completely lacks the sheer unadulterated badassery of Snake, the series’ main protagonist, Raiden has nonetheless played an enjoyable role in Sons of Liberty as a character who actually develops and grows through the course of the game. It also made room for a very enjoyable interaction between Raiden and Snake – an interaction which I find made Snake even more likeable as he is for once seen as a comrade, an advisor and a mentor instead of being the character through whom one is seeing the game through.

Ultimately, Metal Gear Solid: Sons of Liberty is a fantastic stealth action game – playable and absolutely titillating even today, where it is far outshined by superior technology. With its superb game-play coupled by the engrossing plot which has become staple to the Metal Gear Solid franchise, Sons of Liberty is neither style over substance nor substance over style – it’s style and substance in one perfect combination.

Gameplay score: 9/10
Storyline & Characters score: 9.5/10
Aesthetics score: 9/10
Enjoyment score: 10/10

Overall Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty score: 94/100

My Hands

2011-12-03T23:32:00.002+08:00

This is probably the last song I'll be using here. There's no point using songs when I'm not gonna be around to listen to it anyway. I thought of many different songs I could use...

Sotsugyou ~ Sayonara wa Ashita no Tame Ni. Too depressing, I guess.
To Zanarkand. Well, I used it a little too many times so I didn't feel like using it.
Dearly Beloved. Same as above.
再见。Some old Chinese song which I felt was quite nice, but... a bit too relevant to going to NS.
A bunch of others.

Well, I ended up choosing this. FF XIII's English theme. I don't know why I'm suddenly so hooked onto it, but yeah.

'My Hands' by Leona Lewis

I wake in the morning tired of sleeping
Get in the shower and make my bed alone
I put on my makeup talking to the mirror
Ready for a new day without you

And I walk steady on my feet, I talk, my voice obeys me
I go out at night, sleep without the lights
And I do all of the things I have to keeping you off my mind
But when I think I'll be alright I am always wrong 'cause

My hands, don't wanna start again
My hands, no, they don't wanna understand
My hands, they just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find

My hands, they only agree to hold
Your hands, and they don't wanna be without
Your hands, and they will not let me go, no, they will not let me go

I talk about you now and go a day without crying
I go out with my friends now, I stay home all alone
And I don't see you everywhere and I can say your name easily
I laugh a bit louder without you

And I see different shades now and I'm almost never afraid now
But when I think I'll be okay I am always wrong 'cause

My hands, don't wanna start again
My hands, no, they don't wanna understand
My hands, they just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find

My hands, they only agree to hold
Your hands, no, they don't wanna be without
Your hands, and they will not let me go, no, they will not let me go

Sometimes I wake, I see them reaching out for you
Quietly breaking whatever shields I spent so long building up
I cannot fake 'cause when they cry I'm unspoken
They miss holding my baby

My hands, no, they don't wanna understand
They just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find
My hands, your hands, they don't wanna be without
Your hands, and they will not let me go, no, they will not let me go

My hands, don't wanna start again
My hands, no, they don't wanna understand
My hands, they just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find

My hands, only agree to hold
Your hands, no, they don't wanna be without
Your hands, and they will not let me go, no, they will not let me go
No, they will not let me go

Bookgasm

2011-12-03T01:09:00.002+08:00

So, I went out today and splurged on several books. I must be crazy since I don't even have the time to read them, but well, I'm pretty happy to buy 'em. Especially Coetzee's! I literally gasped and almost screamed - or maybe I indeed screamed - when I saw his name, and there was a huge collection of his various works all lined up there, including Disgrace! There were too many though, so I only picked three:

I was specifically looking for Waiting For The Barbarians because I once studied a passage from that novel during Literature and I found Coetzee's writing to be so darn amazing even there. As for the other two, they were somewhat random I'd say. Summertime has a nice cover, and In The Heart of the Country just seemed nice.

I'm glad to finally find 'em at PageOne in Vivocity, since I've been looking for Coetzee's books for a long time without any success.

Anyway, I didn't wanna get just Coetzee, so I was actually trying to find other stuffs. Still, I had no idea what to get, since I don't really know much about books and all... I was looking for the novelisation of Ico, titled Ico: Castle In The Mist, but I couldn't find it, unfortunately... So I got...

The Divine Comedy. Honestly though, much as my curiosity compelled me to read this epic from like 23912379812389312 years ago, I sorta regret buying it since it's so bloody expensive and I can't seem to understand it at all.

No matter, I guess. Maybe I'll be able to understand it ten years down the road. Books don't have an expiry date, after all.

And finally, another random choice...

I wanted something easy and enjoyable actually, but I didn't know what to look for at all. So in browsing through the endless shelves of books, I stumbled upon this one just as I stumbled upon several other books, and checked it out. I thought the premises seemed interesting, but what made me buy it was... well, I was flipping through and accidentally flipped to the ending.

It was... fairly sad. And that's the sole reason I bought it since I didn't know anything else better to buy anyway.

And that's all. Bedtime!

Sigh... 6 days left.

Random games-related stuff

2011-12-01T22:47:00.003+08:00

Hmm, I haven't completed the main quest of Skyrim (though I already clocked about 60 hours in that game) but I don't really feel like playing it. And I don't really wanna write a review of it without finishing the main quest, so nevermind that, I guess.

Now, on another note... since I'm fairly certain I'm not gonna have time to review it, (I might not even be able to finish it yet), I'm just gonna post a little bit about it. There's always the strange urge to declare out to the world my opinions of a game whenever I play it. Hence why I write reviews, maybe, though I'm aware no one's even giving a damn about my opinions. But oh well, who cares.

Anyway, seriously, Metal Gear Solid: Sons of Liberty is bloody awesome and epic. Fuck Skyrim which pales in comparison. The gameplay is honestly lacklustre, outdated and unwieldly by today's standards, but otherwise, it's really, really good. The plot is full of twists and turns and is wholly compelling and amazing. The scenes are epic, especially the bosses. The characters are ultra-likeable and awesome.

This shit is better than the PS3 games man. I'm starting to think the old games really were the best ones.

Okay enough for today. I'll ramble more next time. kthxbai

MGS HD Collection

2011-11-30T21:56:00.002+08:00

I'm not even sure why I bought this, but I did. Metal Gear Solid: HD Collection. It was released November 8 actually, and I've been wanting to play it because I didn't understand MGS4. Still, I won't even have the time to play it, so lol, this is just retail therapy I suppose.

I hope I'll finish it one day.

fade

2011-11-29T22:13:00.002+08:00

How long has it been since I last rambled on about myself with chunks of text, buried in this place as wilted leaves are buried under soil? How long has it been since I last felt such heaviness in my heart? It does not matter. Everything is crumbling into nothingness. Everything will crumble into nothingness.

For eighteen years I have lived, drifting along, never truly knowing where I was heading. I went with the flow. Or rather, I was dragged along by the flow. And where I could elude those currents, I never once walked on my own. I merely remained stagnant for as long as I could, until the winds sent me right back into the currents to be hurled onwards again. My mind manifests nothing but illusions, but for how long can illusions last? My life becomes a mere cycle of disillusionment and remanifesting illusions.

Dreams. Childishly idealistic, I forged worlds within my mind that depict a certain future - a vague, unsubstantial image that lingered in my mind and my heart, though it flickered incessantly. That, can perhaps be called my dream. Writing was a dream. Was. But the reality is, and I am not blind to it, that it will only remain a hobby - I am simply never going to be good enough to write professionally. Not unless I spend all my time improving myself, but that is not going to happen. Even if I had all the time in the world, I would end up wasting it away, because I know not how to proceed. I know only how to remain immobile, lost in illusionary worlds that mean nothing. And therefore writing shall remain an unseen hobby I dabble with in the silent humidity of my room in front of the artificial shine of my notebook, and my only audience shall be myself. I, the one to read and laugh at the utter stupidity of my own craft. I jest. It is stupid, and yet it is so dear. For those are the worlds I create from my heart - worlds I can dissolve myself in, stories I can empathise deeply with. They are my companions, stupid though they are.

And that's all they shall ever be. Stupid, meaningless creations without any real value.

But surely, things are brighter than that? It could have been, perhaps, if the person in question wasn't so pathetic. For a long while, I thought to seek answers to the abstractions of the heart. How does communication between two people truly work? What does it take to connect to another and understand another? The answer escaped me, but slowly, inexorably, I did begin to get somewhere. In fragments that cannot properly be discerned, I think I was beginning to understand and arrive at the answer. But what good has that done? Nothing that I can see.

Abstractions and dreams... may not be truly worthless. But they cannot stand the erosion of reality and time - against those mighty forces that hurl themselves relentlessly, it will all vanish into nothingness. I see a vision of myself, bound by no obligations, commitments, responsibilities, or at least, none that are not by my own free will. But that is only a naive vision. It does not exist, and never will. The price to pay for this thing they call 'life' is to be bound. It is in essence the same as selling one's soul in exchange for being alive - being chained and shackled by numerous things, of which few mean anything.

For eighteen years, I've been doing just about nothing except wallowing in self-pity and abstracting into worthless, impractical and intangible nonsense. I am well aware of my faults, but make no effort to change them. I am a master of escapism. Running away is what I do best. If I seem strong, it is only because I have ran away from what would crumble my strength, and just about everything can do so. I just choose not to face them.

Of course, I waste my life away in videogames too, because I truly do enjoy them more than most other things. It gives me the freedom of staying stagnant while not staying stagnant, paradoxically. But even those seem to be losing meaning. I am losing myself, but to what, I do not even know. Where will the future be? What will it entail? It seems like a dark road ahead. What will become of my heart? Perhaps it shall be bruised, so bruised that it shuts itself away, never to emerge again. And what of the soul, if there is a soul? Disperse, perhaps.

I am growing incoherent, losing my flair. I do not know what has gotten into me, but I feel so tired and broken.

Love, At Any Cost

2011-11-28T10:20:00.002+08:00

Love, At Any Cost
Shadow of the Colossus [HD Remastered Version] (PS3/PS2) Review

Shadow of the Colossus is honestly proving to be one of the most difficult games I’ve attempted to review, because on one hand, it certainly lives up to the artistic majesty of Ico and this alone warrants it a fantastic score. On the other… well, I’m afraid I’ve fallen short in fully appreciating this game.

Truthfully, I expected this game to surpass Ico, by virtue of the fact that it’s supposed to be Ico’s spiritual successor, but with a more popularist stance. A fun game and Ico’s beauty combined into one… that sounds perfect, doesn’t it? Its premises are simple but really, there was a wealth of potential in it. You play the role of a wanderer journeying – and trespassing – into forsaken and forbidden lands which are rumoured to possess the power to defy the one absolute human law – the power to bring back the souls of the dead. Atop his sole living companion, Agro, he carries with him the body of a young lady – one clearly very beloved to him – and forges on with only one objective in mind. Soon enough, an omniscient voice calls out to him, stating that it is indeed not impossible – though not necessarily possible either – if he takes down sixteen colossi which reside within the vast landscapes of this realm.

And that pretty much sums up what you do the entire game – seek out the sixteen colossi and defeat them.

I truly appreciate the work Team Ico put into creating each of the sixteen colossi in the game. Every single one is very uniquely designed, ranging from draconian creatures soaring in the skies to serpentine monsters lurking beneath the earth, with only one thing in common: how epic they all are. All of them have highly unique traits and weaknesses that you will have to somehow figure out and exploit in order to win the battle, and every time you think you’ve got them figured out with a particular battle, the subsequent one surprises you with entirely new mechanics and stages. There’s so much to be amazed about these colossi that the game actually succeeds at being comprised of sixteen massive boss fights and almost nothing else. It can even be said that Shadow of the Colossus takes the game in Ico and scales it up tenfold – you aren’t just solving puzzles with all the time you have, you’re solving a walking puzzle that could very well kill you.

As epic as that sounds, it unfortunately didn’t work out that well for me. Perhaps I just suck, and I won’t refute any allegations in that regard because I probably do, but trying to figure out and defeat several of the colossi often proved to be such a tedious chore that there was more liberation than satisfaction in completing each battle. Of course, not all the colossi fit into such a category, but by my impression, a good half of them did. I was often so exasperated with them that I simply gave up and looked online for some kind of a walkthrough – I almost entirely avoided this for Ico, because truthfully, it does ruin things. And this tedium, unfortunately, adversely affected my enjoyment of the game quite heavily. Still, to redeem this, some of the colossi were a little less unforgiving while maintaining the quality of having intelligent strategies behind defeating them. Those, I must say, were truly satisfying and thrilling experiences.

Apart from the colossi, the only thing you do is ride Agro and navigate your way to the colossi. Surely that sounds a tad too mundane to be exciting, but traversing through the game’s world which is absolutely reminiscent of Ico both in style and design is really a phenomenal experience. The scenery and the sounds that go along with it really brings the world to life, and it’s absolutely stunning to become absorbed in the travelling. Well, it would have been if not for the fact that locating some of the colossi proved to be a real thorn in the flesh for me. The vast, desolate lands that you journey through in search of the colossi does succeed at creating a heavy and inexplicably melancholic atmosphere which complements the game’s theme, but in some cases, that atmosphere was disrupted by the frustration of getting lost and being unable to pinpoint exactly where the colossus was located. The traversing which was supposed to immerse one in the world of Shadow of the Colossus, unfortunately, ended up being relegated to an impatient “Just get me to the colossus already.”

As for Agro… well, I’m rather mixed on that. For one, Agro’s AI can prove to be rather faulty when up against obstacles such as trees or rocks. I mean, surely a horse would know better than run into obstacles and suddenly halt to a stop? Moreover, mounting the horse tends to be a mindless process of hopping around it until you get into the precise position where you’re supposed to be before tapping the button to mount the horse, an unnecessary trouble if you ask me. In spite of that, I’m very impressed with how realistic Agro’s animations and controls are – it might be worth noting that Agro far surpasses the horses in Skyrim in terms of realism, though he may not be as easy to wield. The mechanics of horse-riding are given so much depth and realism that it really helps in immersing one into the game.

With all that out of the way, I’ve pretty much covered my main gripes with Shadow of the Colossus. Everything else is pretty much a truly amazing experience.

Without spoiling the story – though there isn’t much of an identifiable storyline for about the entire game until the end – I can only say that Shadow of the Colossus executes the theme of sacrificial love with utter magnificence. From the onset of the game, the protagonist is warned of the severe penalties that will inevitably come with the act of resurrection which is an unnatural phenomenon that completely defies the course of nature. Yet, with indomitable resolution and without the slightest trace of hesitation, he chose to continue on his path, not even questioning the rationale behind the killing of the colossi for he had only one objective in mind – returning life to his dead lover – and he was prepared to pay any price. This determination flows throughout the entire game, as the protagonist scales even the most gargantuan of colossi and takes them down even though he is well aware that his actions will bring about serious consequences.

Quite interestingly and subtly as well, one can observe the gradual progression of his quest if one pays enough attention both to the protagonist and to the unconscious body of his lover that lies lifelessly on an altar. I shan’t say more, but this very subtle detail, I find, really added depth to the story’s progression.

And most importantly, the long ending sequence which concluded Shadow of the Colossus is one of the most beautiful endings I’ve ever seen in a game – in fact, it surpasses even Ico’s by far – and it actually made me forget all the issues I had with the game for a moment and feel genuinely rewarded for all the toil I’ve been through to complete the game.

Nevertheless, I can’t help but feel that Ico and Yorda’s tale in Team Ico’s debut game was, on the overall, a whole lot more charming in comparison. Shadow of the Colossus’ beauty is largely concentrated in its truly magnificent ending sequence, whereas Ico was a masterpiece for the entirety of the game to me.

Ultimately, the issues I’ve listed above trouble me way too much for me to be able to fully enjoy this game, which has unfortunately undermined my impression of it quite heavily. Let me, however, redeem Team Ico’s game by saying that it was probably by my own fault that this is so. I chide my inaptitude with solving the puzzles on the colossi, and I am probably not in the most suitable of moods for slow and patient artistic appreciation after all. Still, Shadow of the Colossus is a game of epic scale and few games today can boast of a storyline as beautiful as the one it boasts of. While it may feel a little obscure and may not cater to all gamers, it is an experience that deserves to be experienced.

Gameplay score: 7.5/10
Storyline & Characters score: 10/10
Aesthetics score: 10/10
Enjoyment score: 7.5/10

Overall Shadow of the Colossus score: 85/100
(Note that this is not an average of the above scores, but a score based on impression.)

Yakusoku no Basho

2011-11-26T22:07:00.002+08:00

Yakusoku no Basho by Mai Fukui. This is Final Fantasy XIII-2's Japanese theme song, and I think it's pretty nice so I shall use it (nicer than the English version, I feel). I don't know if the English version's lyrics are the same as the Japanese version's, and I can't find any translations, so whatever.

2011-11-19T23:39:00.003+08:00

It's surprisingly liberating to not be playing Skyrim. (Addiction curbed.)

Anyway, the game is... VERY addicting and enjoyable, but in all honesty, overrated and overhyped. At least in my opinion.

Still, the world of Skyrim is amazing. Bethesda really did a good job creating the world - the landscapes, the lore... it's so deep and all that Skyrim really comes alive as a setting. Hell, if I have the time I might just write a short story using Skyrim as its setting... a fanfiction, one could call, though I'm only borrowing the world. I've never been good at settings anyway. It'd be a lot more convenient to borrow the geography and the lore, and perhaps improvise a little.

But nay, I doubt I'd have the time for that.

Anyway, I got ANOTHER game, another that's quite anomalous from the usual I play. Harvest Moon: The Tale of Two Towns (3DS). It's a hell lot more relaxing than Ico and Skyrim, which is a nice break from all the running and killing anyway.

I'll have to study for Lit and Physics, but those aside, I guess I should probably start Shadow of the Colossus too, and finish it before... well, NS. Ah well.

The Tale of Ico & Yorda

2011-11-14T23:09:00.004+08:00

The Tale of Ico & Yorda
Ico [HD Remastered Version] (PS3/PS2) Review

I walked into the world of Ico with a sense of hesitation and apprehension. Hesitation because Ico belongs to a genre completely polar from the ones I’m used to playing and enjoying. Apprehension because I fear that I would prove incapable of appreciating this game.

My first seconds and minutes into the game were filled with doubt – am I really not wasting my time playing a game I won’t enjoy? Would I not be better off delving deeper into the vast mythos of Skyrim? The seconds tick to minutes, and minutes to hours. As I immersed myself in the world of Ico, breathed its air, absorbed its sights, I found myself inexorably drawn into it. Now, ten hours into the game with the credits having rolled, I can say without reservation that Ico is truly beautiful.

The premises of the game are really simple – you play as Ico, a young boy in every aspect save the pair of horns growing anomalously from the top of his head, and you find that he has been banished to a strange castle from which he’ll have to evacuate himself, finding ways to open closed doors and the like. Not far into the game, he makes the acquaintance of a pale and slender young lady, frail but beautiful – Yorda. Contrasting his nimble agility, Yorda is largely incapable of any physical feats and therefore relies heavily on Ico. However, she has the strange ability to unseal certain locked doors within the castle, and from then on it is no longer about Ico himself – it is a story about Ico and Yorda.

Remastered in glorious 1080p HD, I could hardly tell that this was a game first developed and released ten years ago. To a degree, the graphics are nonetheless dated, but even so, they are very refreshing and pleasing for the eye. In fact, the attention paid to the environmental detail is so stunning that the world is a phenomenal experience in itself, and that hardly even scratches the surface of what makes Ico so beautiful. The background sounds of water flowing down a river; fire sizzling atop a wooden candle; birds chirping as they pass by high up in the sky; water dripping off Ico’s body as he gets out of the water – these trivial details may not be much, but they perfectly complement each other alongside the sparse use – near absence – of music playing in the background (which is rather atypical of most games) in creating a very realistic world that completely succeeds at immersing you in the character of Ico.

Moreover, the castle is designed with puzzles which are highly innovative and satisfying, never proving to be unforgiving but never proving to be an insult to one’s intelligence either. The intricacies of the castle’s layout, with various puzzles overlapping and intertwining, further add to the atmosphere of the castle – a foreboding, antiquated and extremely complex palace in the middle of nowhere. Uniquely enough, the puzzle-solving in Ico is not simply about activating trapdoors and opening paths – it’s largely about finding alternative routes or opening paths which are accessible to the physically weaker Yorda, and therein proceeding along her side. These puzzles are not only extremely complementary to the antiquated and mysterious feel of the castle, in fact accentuating the atmosphere, but also serve as exhilarating experiences when you work towards solving them and proceeding further in the game by yourself. While the impatient may nonetheless feel frustrated in failing to see the trick to certain puzzles, this is by no means the game’s fault at all.

Now that I’ve covered the technicalities, I can finally delve into the dimensions of Ico that made it such an endearing game to me.

From the onset of the game, the extremely powerful and significant motif of handholding tugged dearly at my heart. Gently, inexorably, Ico took Yorda’s hand and with her by his side, leads her through the complex pathways of the castle in order to somehow find a way to escape its devilish reigns. This recurs throughout the entire game, as one of the most fundamental and important action in the game is very simply holding Yorda’s hand – pulling her along as Ico traverses the castle, catching her after she makes a leap or giving her a hand to help her climb onto an elevated surface. There is something deeply meaningful about this handholding between Ico and Yorda, something that transcends the physical dimension of support and goes into the realms of spiritual connection.

Interestingly enough, there is close to no dialogue in the game, and where there is dialogue, Yorda speaks in a language completely foreign to Ico (and therefore to a player), which makes it impossible to understand what she is saying. Yet, in spite of this barrier in language, there is communication. Very simply in the reticent clasping of Ico’s hand with hers, and in the shared experience of helping each other move through the treacherous ways of the castle. In how Ico calls out to Yorda from a distance to come over. In how Yorda occasionally gestures Ico towards certain clues about the puzzles.

There are no ‘I love you’s or ‘I promise you’s, but in the quietest, subtlest, and perhaps most beautiful of ways, Ico is a love story, or at least can be construed as such amidst its ambiguities.

One of the most magical things about Ico’s experience is how it succeeds at telling such a compelling story with close to no storytelling at all, and how, without the complex weaving of character development, succeeds at making the characters so endearing, be it Ico or Yorda. Most games put their players in a position of power so that they can overcome the overwhelming odds before them. Ico does almost the exact opposite because the character you’re in control of is really just a young boy – nimble but unembellished with any form of ability or skill. There’s great vulnerability in the role you’re playing, because you’re no superhero with spectacular powers to save the damsel in distress – you’re just a typical kid.

Yet, even without skill or power, Ico desperately and earnestly gives his everything into protecting Yorda from the hordes of ‘Spirits’ – shadowy creatures – which attempt to kidnap her and suck her into voids. With all his might, with whatever weapon he could be offered – for much of the game, a mere wooden rod –, Ico swings his weapon with zero finesse or style, but there is much heartfelt affection behind the powerlessness of his attempts, so much that the simple and unprepossessing action becomes so beautiful. In an inexorable way, sequences in the game that require Ico’s separation from Yorda are the ones filled with greatest insecurity. The frail but gentle nature of Yorda, reticent and yet in a tragic way beautiful, somehow manages to establish a very strong sense of protectiveness – even affection – for her that the game becomes a selfless experience in itself.

It is not easy to pick up the game and start playing because of how emotionally draining it can and will prove to be – throughout the entire game, I cannot help feeling a soft but resonant wrench on my heart in an inexplicable manner. Yet, once you do slot the disc in and take up the controller, it is incredibly difficult to put down – not out of self preservation which in fact has little significance to Ico, but the overwhelming desire that stems from within to protect and as soon as possible, hold Yorda’s hand and lead her out of this terrifying castle.

Let me qualify my praise with the fact that Ico is not a game without flaws. The camera angles can prove rather unwieldy at times, for example. The AI of Yorda – and I’m not referring to her passivity since I believe it is part of her characterisation – can occasionally prove a little faulty as well.

However, these are barely even worth mentioning because Ico is truly a beautiful game in the ten hours it offers, such that its minute flaws can very easily be forgiven or even forgotten. Typically, one may chide a ten-hour game for being too short, but I believe it was the perfect duration for Ico because its beauty was perfectly encapsulated in the ten hours, and lengthening the game unnecessarily would have, I feel, ruined this beauty. Also, Ico is indeed not a game that will cater to everyone. For those seeking style over substance and simple entertainment, look elsewhere. Ico is not a game about exhilarating fun (though it is in its own ways, very enjoyable as well), it is more so the depth of emotional engagement and the phenomenal experience of the game that gives it its beauty.

Critics and fans alike have graced Ico with the label ‘Art’, and while I certainly cannot contest and in fact agree wholeheartedly with the label on a personal level, I’d prefer to avoid its usage for fear that the sceptical would view it as an unreasonable elevation of videogames.

I would very simply, call Ico a beautifully crafted masterpiece.

Gameplay score: 9.5/10
Storyline & Characters score: 10/10
Aesthetics score: 10/10
Enjoyment score: 10/10

For years, I have been trying and trying fruitlessly to give a perfect score. And at last, I have found the game to which I can unabashedly award:

Overall Ico score: 100/100

Skyrim; Ico & Shadow of the Colossus

2011-11-11T20:42:00.004+08:00

So, I've finally gotten two PS3 games - rather peculiar ones at that. I know it's the middle of As, so I probably won't start playing them officially until after my Chem Paper 2, at least. Anyway, these are rather different games from the types I usually play and enjoy most, but I think they're fairly important games to play, nevertheless. I wish to talk more about the latter one, so I'll just make a quick mention of...

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

This is pretty much one of the biggest game releases this year, and it currently holds a Metacritic rating of a whopping 94. In all honesty, it's not the style of games I'm most comfortable with, because I tend to feel lost and aimless in a game which gives me that much freedom - an entire world to explore, and quests to complete completely on my own free will. It's a massive game with a wealth of things to do (three hundred hours of gameplay, I heard?) - a true WRPG.

I'm a much greater fan of JRPGs than WRPGs, admittedly, but a game like this... I just felt that I had to give it a shot.

My current impressions of it are decent, to say the least. I've played it about 2 hours, and it really does seem pretty amazing even if it isn't particularly my type of game.

But Skyrim, in spite of all its hype, isn't the important one to me more so than...

The Ico & Shadow of the Colossus Collection

Technically speaking, you could say this is my first encounter with PS2 games. And yes, PS2, I say. The Ico & Shadow of the Colossus Collection are HD remasters of two supposedly classic PS2 games. I ironically came across them while revising for GP, since they were mentioned in an article about 'Can videogames be art?'

It enticed my curiosity tremendously, especially seeing how these games, described as lacking the usual things that all other games possessed, ended up scoring over 90 on Metacritic. And I realised these two games were remastered for the PS3 just a month ago, so I decided that I HAD to give it a try.

That said, I go into these two games with a sense of doubt and scepticism. I tend to play very stylistic games and enjoy them for that - gratuitous action and grandeur. Still, I really anticipate the experience. Yes, more so than the fun, the experience is what matters in this case, and I really can't wait to know what I'll feel playing these games, hailed supposedly as Art and masterpieces.

I'll try to finish these and review them before NS. I perpetually HAVE to.

The Guts To Never Give Up

2011-11-06T09:55:00.003+08:00

This piece of music has never been more appropriate. I don't know what's worse, going to NS a week after A Levels officially ends, or running a fever and being sick two days before A Levels and staying awake the entire night due to some unknown insomnia.

Despite that, I'm going to stand strong and give it as much as I can!

This piece of music was played when Jiraiya gathers up his willpower and forces himself back to life. It's not an officially released soundtrack, though, so the one I'm using is actually fanmade. It sounds pretty much like the original though.

There's no official title, but most people call it something related to 'Never Give Up', since it's associated with Jiraiya's willpower.

2011-11-03T22:35:00.003+08:00

Firstly, Naruto 562. It was so epic, I'm inclined to declare this to the world. It built up so much hype and potential that I'd be really pissed if Kishi actually screws this up. Onoki's awesome speech, and the build-up towards the end of Edo Madara VS Five Kages - that last panel was so gold. I'm annoyed that Kishi pretty much off-panelled Mei VS Black Zetsu and Kakashi's Rampage, but if he does this fight well, it really does have potential to be extremely epic.

That said, Kishi's forte lies in ruining potential, so I better not get my hopes up. Still, I enjoyed that chapter a lot more than most other chapters these days.

Secondly, Final Fantasy XIII-2's theme song is so beautiful; the Jap version, I mean. The English version is alright, but the Jap one sounds way nicer IMO. I can't wait for a full version to be out.

Thirdly, this blog. It's been over three years since I've had this blog. I still intend to keep one because it's a fantastic tool for my random musings and tl;drs. Hmm, I feel like moving on entirely to tumblr. Or at least have a change of environment in terms of URL, etc.

Tumblr. It seems cool since there're always some nice pictures or quotes there to reblog, which sometimes beats typing my own post since most of my posts are senseless. Then again, tumblr seems too picturesque too. I'm a textual person, and 99% of my posts will be text, so... but then again, I blog for myself. Why should I care?

I tried Wordpress, but it was hopeless since I couldn't use it at all.

Ah well. I don't have time to do anything for now though. But I suppose I'll consider a change. This blog's title no longer applies, after all. Well, LoD doesn't apply, at least. The Insignificant One... well, it has a nice ring to it!

That said, I won't use the same title again. Maybe something like... Pervy-Adventures-Of-The-Worm. Now, that doesn't sound bad at all, does it?

The Limits of Love

2011-11-02T22:29:00.005+08:00

(Disclaimer: Though I make a lot of mention about parents, I have no issues with mine at all. I just feel that parenting is a good example when it comes to love.)

Love. Not just between a man and a woman, but between a parent and child too. Between a friend and another. I've been thinking about this for a really long time. I don't think I've ever really blogged much about it, and I'm not sure why now, of all times, considering it's the most untimely of times to be abstracting. Forget about what love is. Forget about the ambiguity and difficulty faced in defining love. Forget all that - it may well be meaningless.

Before anything, an anecdote. Some weeks back, my uncle was admitted into the hospital because his illness (It's probably some kind of cancer, I'm not sure what exactly, but it's a strange and very dangerous illness) acted up again, and apparently it's becoming really bad. It's an illness he has had over the past decades, actually, but it's getting worse I believe. Anyway, long story short - there was this Christian evangelist (apparently an acquaintance of my uncle? I'm not sure.) who kept... praying for him at the hospital and all. My father being my father, of course, was, despite being diplomatic, rather sarcastic - and witty, really - with him. Still, this evangelist said something - which my father then said to me and my mother - which... well, I don't know, stayed in my head, at least.

"You may love your brother, but what will your love do for him? Can your love cure him of his illness and ease his pain?"

Not something one'd like to hear, especially not from some over-religious zealot (no offense) - the question for him is, would praying then do anything, but that's a debate for another day. Still, how can one deny it? How can one deny that in the end, love will not accomplish anything in reality? It is no miracle potion, after all.

I've thought about the issue of love even before this incident, though it just served as more food for thought, I suppose. How far can love go, if it goes anywhere at all? Perhaps, one could argue that the abstractions of love should be kept purely to the realms of abstractions - intangible dimensions - which may not be untrue. Then again, when it comes to human relationships and the like, I tend to believe that there is some kind of equilibrium between the intangible and the tangible, because in the end, we are bound to our bodies: our physical selves. The soul, if there is a soul at all, is considered as an intrinsic essence within our bodies. Our affections, feelings and all are bound to our body too.

And so, I find that considering love purely on the realm of abstractions would seem insufficient in truly - or realistically - representing it.

What can love do?

Often, love can border upon some degree of possession or even obsession: though I would qualify that with the fact that it goes to show how dear a person can be. Consider the love a parent has for a child, for example. It's not uncommon for parents to restrict their children to boundaries they consider comfortable for their own hearts, I would say, though that is not to say that they are not keeping the child in mind too. Enforcing curfews on their kids to keep them close - where they feel assured that their kids are in safe hands, and nothing that will break their hearts will happen to the ones they hold so dear to their hearts. Put that way, love can be selfish. It is wholly selfish, in fact, if you choose to angle your perspectives in such a fashion.

Still, I don't think it undermines the fact that the act of attempting to control someone's life out of love is often to keep them safe too. The relationship between parent and child is merely an example. I believe it extends to other forms of love too - between siblings, or couples, in some cases. It commonly crosses the boundaries of becoming possessive, which is where jealousy manifests too.

The question now, is not whether love is selfish. The question, rather, is whether it's truly justified, and even if it is, to what degree will it hold?

In the end, one's life is one's own. Will loving another's life ultimately do anything? Even in the name of love, is anyone truly in the position to impose anything onto another? Between parent and child, some would argue that the answer is 'yes', to some degree. Indeed, a parent has given life to the child, and his existence is owed to the people he calls 'Mom' and 'Dad'. But even so, after a certain age - in fact, upon some degree of maturity, I believe - that existence becomes its own sovereign one, an individual and not a property.

Any form of authority over another's life and choices is really imaginary, even for parents. In the end, if one has decided to take a certain path in life, is anyone really in any position to stop that person? Of course, I'm not talking about really twisted paths like terrorism, murder or other crime-related ones, but things like career paths, life choices, etc... is anyone ever in any position to impose his will onto another person?

You may say: In the name of love, I forbid you. But what does the name of love mean at all? What right does it give anyone? Love: such a fleeting word of four letters. Pronounced, it drifts in the air like a thread of smoke, and vanishes in an instant.

Love. Often, we wish to hold to ourselves the people dearest to our hearts, so that we can be assured that they're safe and alright, because we love them. Yet, can we really hold them close to ourselves at all? Even if we do, it is only an illusion we cling to, because having them close to us gives us the illusion that no harm will ever come to them, even when that is not necessarily true. They will develop their own wings, and choose their own destinations. They will take flight in the name of their lives, and in the face of that name, the name of love holds little authority. It is a feeble word, a feeble abstraction. In the end, love goes unreciprocated most of the time. Between parent and child. Between couples. Between friends. Between anyone, really. The one who loves will be the one who suffers. Attachment really is the root to all suffering.

And here I am. Even after typing this post, I still do value the abstraction of love - or on a broader basis, the heart. In fact, it is the strongest value within my belief system. Perhaps even now, as I am disillusioned to it. Have I clung onto something of no meaning and value at all? Perhaps I have.

I cannot help but sigh. Let me remember this. Though I have failed to express my thoughts as nicely as I wanted to, let me remember it. Perhaps, one day, if and when I do write a novel... I think this is one of the themes I'd really want to explore.

Utsusemi

2011-10-29T23:05:00.003+08:00

Continuing from Yamagasumi (Mountain Haze), Utsusemi (Man of The World).

This one really tugs at my heartstrings since it was played during the most emotional part of Jiraiya's death - that is, the part when he chides himself and regrets over how his life has been in vain and full of failures. That's the part which always makes me tear.

Anyway, yeah. Here it is.

Yamagasumi

2011-10-24T08:42:00.002+08:00

I haven't gotten sick of my current playlist yet, which is surprisingly since I've been listening to it for so long. Still, while I was hunting for the OSTs used in Jiraiya's death scene yesterday, I found something I really liked.

Before I go to that, it might be worth mentioning that I went through ALL of the OSTs, track by track, until I finally found all the themes. There were three in total, and I only knew Samidare but had no idea what the other two were. One of them is actually an unreleased soundtrack, but I found a fanmade version that sounds exactly like the real thing and has superb quality. Another is the one played when Jiraiya was pondering the failures of his life - this was the track I was specifically looking for, actually, since it was the one that always brought tears to me when it plays along with Jiraiya's self-reproach.

The one I'm gonna use isn't any of the two, though. While searching for those tracks, I inadvertently found another - though I don't remember exactly when it was used in the anime - which really resonated with myself.

It's essentially just a remix of Samidare (Early Summer Rain), but slower, softer and more melancholic, perhaps.

Yamagasumi (Mountain Haze). I remember writing a Haiku when I last used Samidare, but I'm too lazy to do that now.

2011-10-23T16:29:00.001+08:00

Obligatory post for the day although I honestly have nothing to post about so I'm just going to type a random post to fill up the space.

Now that I'm more rational and logical...

2011-10-21T15:48:00.004+08:00

Two years! It took me two years to realise; to reach this stage! Surely, the past two years have not been pointless. In fact, they were quite possibly the most fruitful two years I've had in my entire life!

Disgrace being the most significant of all that I've learned, I must say. It took me two years to arrive at a more-or-less complete understanding of the novel; two years to struggle and grapple with certain things about the novel which I found so difficult to reconcile.

And today, with what I'd consider my last lesson with this Literature teacher I really like - heck, I love him -, I think I've finally come to terms with the novel. And on a more personal level, with myself too. It's amazing how the novel has proved to be so therapeutic for me. I must admit. Even though I've been steeling myself for the inevitability of NS, and killing off any last remnants of hope within me that it could be delayed, I was very affected when the reality came crashing down on me. I was, almost, on the verge of insanity - well, for a while, before I calmed down. Perhaps man clings to hope a little way too much and way too easily. Perhaps it is just me and my naivete.

Nevertheless, while discussing Disgrace today, I've... at least to a certain degree, come to terms with it.

I consider myself a hedonist - a person whose life is devoted to the pursuit of pleasure and self-gratification - to some degree, and in all honesty, I'm unashamed of it even though some people would judge such a person as shallow, flippant, or the like. Not that I am entirely a hedonist, but nonetheless, the definition of that word does seem to describe a relatively large part of me. I don't want to go into the technicalities of why I'm unashamed about it, but my point is, I am indeed quite concerned with my own pleasure and gratification. I play games for that reason. I even write for that reason. And ultimately, I am indeed concerned with having time to indulge myself. I hope it does not correlate with selfishness, of course, but that would be a debate for another day.

Continuing my point, while I am certainly not a religious person, I think I might consider myself to be a rather spiritual person. I'm not entirely sure if that's the best word I can use to describe myself, but I definitely believe very strongly that there has to be some form of intrinsic meaning in many things, transcending the pragmatic, the superficial and the physical. For one, I am the kind of person who simply cannot force myself into doing something I dread, or do not want to do. Sure, with an immense amount of compulsion, I may be able to do it - but not in the long run. In other words, I need to be able to feel the meaning behind doing something on a more... spiritual level, perhaps? With the heart, maybe. What I do needs to synchronise with my heart or I'd probably be rather miserable.

And NS defies both of the principles I stick to in living. Pleasure? Don't jest. Meaning? I do not see even the slightest ounce of meaning in risking my life, wasting my life, and torturing my body and spirit for a purpose that does not in the slightest of ways resound with the beating of my heart. I am somehow, naturally inclined towards putting up an extremely strong internal resistance against things I am averse to doing. It ends up giving me so much internal turmoil that I often crumble against my own internal resistance.

However, resisting something internally isn't going to change reality. In fact, resisting something in any way is at times, futile. That's the reality - circumstances cannot always be changed. To some extent, I say that with a bit of melancholy because there is indeed a tone of resignation and perhaps even defeat in that - the inability to fight for what I want and against what I do not want. In this matter, I still hold it against the government's faulty policies, and if ever I become influential enough, I will indeed like to object against the system of full-time National Service. Though it will of course no longer matter to myself, it may make a difference to the future generations. On a macro scale, I can see its significance, but I still believe that it can be improved - for example, shortening the duration or at the very least, giving occasional "holiday" periods for a week or two rather than simply expecting them to continue it for two years straight.

Anyway, I've digressed. Back to Disgrace. The setting of the novel is simply put, completely bleak. There's little tangible hope and there's little to be optimistic about for much of the novel. Yet, in spite of this, delving deeply into the novel, I cannot help but find it so heartening. It's impossible for me to fully capture the beauty of this majestic novel in words, but the crux of the novel can perhaps be linked to this idea of... finding meaning in life even when it's not ideal. Finding meaning - very importantly - in love. Not the romantic idealistic kind, but love. In the truest meaning of the word. Love. Again I am digressing, but I really appreciated how Lurie, despite being unable to truly understand his daughter even by the end of the novel, does what he can do for her and accepts her. It's just so beautiful.

Looking back at the past two years, I have went through suffering, by my own terms. I've had days and weeks of feeling depressed and empty. I've questioned my life, what I was doing, what the future held, and why I'm doing what I do. Yet, at the end of it all, I've been moving on all along, and I'll have to keep moving on. And I've gained so much these two years. I've grown, and I really feel it within me. I've come to understand more about myself and even about others. I've been enriched inexorably.

Two years isn't a short time, but it isn't endlessly long either. Surely, over the next two years, I'll be enriched in some way too. Not in the most ideal of ways, perhaps. I'll much rather be spending two years improving my linguistic capabilities. I could start learning some other languages, perhaps Latin, German, French, Italian, or on a more personal level, Japanese too. I could read more widely - while enjoying myself with my dose of games - and improve my writing skills. Those are the things where my heart belongs with. Well, at least when it comes to doing things, that's where my heart is.

Still... if I let go of the things I could be doing... and think about how much the experience - unsavoury and undesired though it is - would enrich me... it does make the process a little more meaningful, perhaps. After all... I do wish to grow mentally, to some extent. Change is something uncomfortable to me, and even now I can't really agree that change - even if positive - can truly be hailed as a good thing. But that's again, a debate for another day. The thing is, I'll surely grow and see from new perspectives through this arduous process.

Do I anticipate it, though, or do I truly feel the meaning with my heart? No. Of course not. It's simply not possible to. I still resent it, to the core in fact. But I'm starting to come to terms with it.

"A lesson without pain is meaningless, for you cannot gain something without sacrificing something in return. But once you've overcome it and made it yours, you will gain an irreplaceable Fullmetal Heart." -Hiromu Arakawa.

Of course, I'll take a lot of time. I'll suffer and I'll despair again. I'll probably crumble along the way and give up. But in the end, I'll stand up again and somehow, endure it. It will be a painful process. I can see it already... but at the end of it all, perhaps it'll all be worth the while in some way.

For the first few months... maybe even the first year, I'll probably be too busy struggling with myself and with adapting to the circumstances. I'll probably be too fixated on my own suffering. But eventually, I'll grow seasoned to it. And maybe, just maybe... if there're newcomers who may well struggle with the same things I struggle with... if I am in the position to do so... perhaps I can even offer some degree of empathy or understanding... to hopefully, ease their pain, even if just by a little? Of course, that's assuming I'm in any position to do so.

My time is running out. So yes. I'm going to make the best of it and work as hard as possible to get acceptable grades for my A Levels. That shall be the immediate concern. As for NS, well, I am fairly sure that I'll crumble again before I go in there. But I'll leave the other concerns about it until I'm done with the immediate obstacle. And even then, let me keep this post in mind. Let me not forget that I shall resolve myself to stay strong. Let me not give up without getting back on my feet.

2011-10-20T13:04:00.002+08:00

I would really like to let loose the lamentations of my soul. Yet I can't help but utter a laugh. There it all goes. Dispirited, disheartened. Where can I see the light? Will there be a guide towards it?

Help me. Help.

560

2011-10-20T09:14:00.002+08:00

Obligatory reaction to Naruto Chapter 560:

2011-10-18T20:59:00.002+08:00

I feel very irritable today. Probably because of trying - and largely failing - to study properly. I'm already sick of this, but then again, I'll only get more sick of things as time passes. Meh.

What a life.

Dearest

2011-10-12T11:37:00.003+08:00

For some reason, I suddenly thought about Inuyasha again, and went to Youtube the scene in the anime (the 2nd, last part) where Kikyo dies. I almost cried.

It was the first real anime I watched in my life (or at least, the first in Japanese voices) and hell, I think back then, I watched the 167 episodes twice or thrice. I have the full CD collection too, apart from Final Act. Haters gonna hate for hating on that anime/manga, but at the very least, I loved it when I watched it back then. I think I was Primary 6. It had a great blend of action, comedy and romance.

Anyway, surprisingly, I finally found a real version of Dearest by Ayumi Hamasaki. I've used that song before, but Youtube's a bitch and kept removing it. And now, Mixpod's a bitch for not letting me add it into my playlist.

There is another version of Dearest that sounds genuine enough... but different. I prefer the original version, which I'll post the video to since I can't use it for my playlist. Whoever made the AMV did a fantastic job with it too.

For my own viewing pleasure:

It would be nice if
we could throw away everything
but what is most important;
Reality is just cruel

Whenever I close my eyes
you're there,
smiling

Ah- I hope your smiling face
is with me until the day
I fall into eternal sleep

Are all people sad?
They are forgetful creatures...

For that which you should love,
for that which gives love:
give it your all

Ah- when we met
we were so awkward
We've taken the long road;
we've hurt each other along the way

Ah- I hope your smiling face
is with me until the day
I fall into eternal sleep

Ah- when we met
we were so awkward
We've taken the long road,
but we've finally arrived

2011-10-11T20:36:00.001+08:00

There comes a time when the cries of the soul can simply not be expressed by words. Language floats in the air but falls flat, crashing without an echo. And so what have I to do but to heave a sigh?

2011-10-09T12:08:00.003+08:00

I always say that my favourite characters in a story always die. Actually, now that I think about it... do they die because they're my favourite character... or are they my favourite character because they die!? ;sense

Jiraiya was originally my 2nd favourite character - it was his death that made him my absolute favourite.

I watched Fate/Stay Night because I saw a very awesome scene of Archer fighting Berserker, and that's the fight where Archer loses his life. And Archer is my favourite character in Fate.

There are indeed examples where a favourite character of mine dies... for now I can only remember the Channel U drama on weekends, that old man.

But... maybe it's the fact that they die that makes them my favourite...? After all, I seem to always plan to kill off characters I like even when I write.

I am mindfucked.

Japanese songs

2011-10-08T12:13:00.004+08:00

I've been listening to these five songs quite a lot recently for some reason, so I'm gonna use 'em all at once, maybe for a week or so; depends. I'm very sure I've used all five songs before, but I'm reusing them. All of 'em are rather melancholic songs and I love their lyrics, especially those of Caged Bird. Anyway, that's that.

Some of the lyrics are a little sketchy, but I can't translate Japanese, so gotta make do with that.

From Final Fantasy X. I recently used this already, and I'm still using it. Needs no introduction.

Suteki Da Ne (Isn't it Wonderful?) by Rikki

My heart, swimming
In the words the wind has borne
A voice, bouncing
On a tomorrow carried by clouds

A heart, trembling
On a mirror where the moon quivers
A star falls, spills
Gentle teardrops

Isn't it wonderful
If we could walk, holding hands
I'd want to go
To your town, your house, into your arms

To your heart
I leave my body
Mixed into the night
I dream

The wind stops; your words
Are a kind illusion
The clouds break apart; tomorrow
Is a distant voice

A heart flowing
In a mirror where the moon has seeped in
A star wavers, spills
Tears you can't hide

Isn't it wonderful
If we could walk, holding hands
I'd want to go
To your town, your house, into your arms

That face
Touch it, just so
And dream a dream
That melts in the morning

---

From D.N Angel. It's a very slow song, but I really love it for the lyrics. They're just... beautiful. I can't explain, but it simply touches my heart dearly, which is why I really love this song.

Caged Bird by Miyamoto Shunichi

How high would I have to fly
To lose sight of you, so far away?

If I turn my eyes away, I might feel better.
But I want to always be looking at you from somewhere.

Because there's no way I could forget you.
At my wits' end, I simply keep staring up at the sky.
It's almost as if I were like a small bird inside a cage,
Searching for the window, aimlessly wandering around.

I want to see you right away, because I love you,
Even though I want to run away because I'm scared of being hurt.
Even if my wings are trapped by invisible shackles
Still, you are so precious to me that it makes me sad.

---

From Inuyasha, a very sorrowful song about separation and farewells. It was used for the death of Kikyo, and the lyrics seem to connote a certain heaviness connected with death too, though I don't think the song is exclusively a song for separation by death if I'm not wrong.

Sotsugyou ~ Sayonara wa Ashita no Tame Ni (Graduation ~ Farewell for the Sake of Tomorrow) by Tackey & Tsubasa

If only one
Just one wish
Could come true
What would you wish for?

Where are you now?
Who are you with now?
I look up at the blue sky
And ask softly

With you
You, who were always right by my side
Are now gone
With you
Although you promised not to change
Even if we are separated

If we become memories
Your nearby warmth is no longer granted to me
So a pained sigh escapes my lips abruptly
May it soar far away and reach you

For sure
In your future
There is no longer a place for me
I've finally realised that

For me
When I hesitated
You gave me a push
For me
With your sorrowful eyes
Hidden behind your smile

If it comes to goodbye for us
I murmured that I want you by my side
I can't describe this desolate feeling
Let this prayer, at least, reach you

I speak my endless feelings to the heavens
Even if I'm all alone, I can keep going

Just like on that day, the cherry blossoms flutter
Reflecting the light of glowing memories
Please send all of this feeling in brilliant colours
Soaring upon my agonised sigh to reach you

If we become memories
Your nearby warmth is no longer granted to me
Farewell is for the sake of the future
So may it soar far and wide, and reach you.

---

From Fate/Stay Night, this song was used only on one episode - the episode where Archer (who happens to be my favourite character from that anime) passes away in his battle against Berserker. I think I used this song just a few months back, but I still really like it for its powerful melody and lyrics, although they're a little ambiguous.

Hikari (Light) by Jyukai

On that day, we walked our separate ways
I wonder what kind of excuses should I come up with now
I sense weakness which could not be concealed every time I stumble blindly
Your existence on that day strangles this body

With my firm self, I swear to the future that I will believe in those strong eyes of yours
The skies I have traveled, they have a freedom which is similar to solitude. I only don’t want to turn back

If you recall, we were very alike, right?
Whether it was our untruthful words or our retreating figures that pretended to be brave
I’m sure the circumstances are the same for the both of us. We had our mutual emotions too
I’m not strong enough to tell you about my feelings of insecurity

The dream I want to grasp, I was always being buried by my own answers to my questions within the interval of wishes
If it is your present self, will I be reflected in your happy eyes?

There are things which will become tainted and time that flows on
But that’s right, because it’s definitely not a mistake …Yes, I’ll believe that

An eternal dream, if I keep on tracing the painted world,
I will find those times and your radiance there which existed without changing. See, you will be rewarded everything
In the middle of a continuously bewildering journey, I bore my wounds within the fragments of regret but
The answers I kept on searching for is here now, and I held onto your small hand…

---

From Fate/Stay Night as well, the ending theme which I've always loved for the deeply affectionate lyrics and melody that connotes some degree of sadness.

Anata ga Ita Mori (The Forest Where You Were) by Jyukai

Deep, deep within the forest, there is a faint fragrance that is very dear
If I search through the everyday faces, surprisingly, I find that yours is smiling

I want to touch it, but even if I reach out my hand to you, fleetingly, you soared towards the sky

I've always wanted to see you... and I'm always thinking of you...
When I pass through the sleepness nights
While I cry, I try to embrace what's left of you amidst the light and shadow

Hopelessly, I walk barefoot in the scorching sunset
While stepping on the ruins of a love that fades crimson

When I try to touch you and I hold out my hand, I hear your voice

Right now, the words “I love you.” won't reach as the wind carries away my song
It disappears far, far away
If I throw an hourglass of sand high into the sky, I hear the sounds of that day resounding

Scenery that I can't touch again
Fades away slowly

“It won't disappear.” That hand, and even that hair, in the rapidly enlarging atmosphere and heavy memories
The light and shadow you left behind is just too large.

Deep, deep within the forest…

2011-10-07T19:18:00.002+08:00

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2011-10-06T20:06:00.005+08:00

Here comes my serious post, though I'm not gonna abstract into things like the meaning of life, humanity, love and all that kinda thing, though those were probably the things I've been thinking about. It'll be a serious post about something which really isn't all that serious. Paradox. Well, whatever, I'm not making sense. Too tired to make much sense, really. Let's hope my post isn't too senseless.

I'm of the belief that there is immense depth and value to the experiencing of a story, whatever medium it may take the form of. Some would call it vicarious appeal, which is the gist of what I'm trying to express here, though I'd say it goes a few levels deeper than that - in filling out the emptiness of the human soul. For most people, daily life is probably not as fulfilling as it should be - most, not all, since there're always the exceptions: unbelievably optimistic people, people who enjoy the bliss of actually feeling accomplished, and the like. Otherwise, our romantic fantasies fall flat in reality; our ambitions wither before us; and some of us wonder why we aren't living like we want to. The best answer is probably circumstances, though some would argue that such an answer is far too defeatist, which isn't wrong per se, but that's another debate altogether.

Back to the topic, the experiencing a story, in my opinion, can have a profound effect on the human psyche. In fact, one of the core appeals to writing is this very experience; the ability to project oneself into a story and thus materialise - virtually - certain experiences which are perhaps otherwise, difficult to express. It allows one to create a character whose experiences are relatable to from the author's point of view, and this association, in my opinion, allows one to perhaps find in writing, a companion who can provide a shared experience or empathy with the author. It eases the soul of its pain, at least to a certain degree, and offers a form of expression that does not involve beating ones' breasts and howling to the world about one's indignations. That, of course, is assuming one succeeds - writing is a far more difficult and complicated task than it may seem.

Writing isn't the exclusive method to achieving this empathy between audience and character, though. A lot of other mediums achieve a similar effect, be it novels, videogames, movies, or even music. Perhaps one might question whether music truly tells a story, but I do believe it does, whether or not there're lyrics. The lyrics do indeed offer an additional dimension through which the story of the song is told, and the addition of a melody in fact, often makes the story appeal even further to the emotion.

The origins of speech lie in song, and the origins of song in the need to fill out with sound the overlarge and rather empty human soul. -Disgrace

The melody alone does indeed possess in itself the ability to tell a story, I find. Perhaps in a more abstract kind of way, in the sense that the story a melody tells is often dependent on the mind of the listener. I'm no musical professional, so I can't comment a lot on that, of course, although this is simply a personal experience I have with some of the pieces I enjoy.

Still, most of these mediums have in themselves a fixed story which, while possibly succeeding in providing this projection of the self into the characters within the story, may not offer an experience as full as a successful piece of self-composition, in my opinion. Self-composition is less restrictive, in the sense that one could exercise a whole lot of freedom in determining how the character's storyline unfolds - in a way that is perhaps closer to the heart of one. Still, the appreciation of music offers the same freedom - and with less frustrations since writing is honestly not easy. Perhaps, in the light of that, music is really quite crucial in beautifying this world, and providing an oasis amidst all the dryness.

I suppose personally, I do seek such forms of comfort pretty often. Or look forward to seeking them. I guess my most used medium would either be music or videogames, considering that I do not read a lot. Still, Disgrace has been a wonderful partner. In fact, the novel is so endearing to me that I believe that even after A Levels, I'll still be reading it and analysing it for the wealth of meaning within it. As for music, the usual few, I guess. Videogames! Now that's the interest part. Valkyria Chronicles did a splendid job with that. And I really look forward to Final Fantasy X for that reason too. One of the reasons I loved Final Fantasy X's storyline so much was because of the sophistication and beauty in its depiction of Yuna and Tidus. Perhaps, just perhaps, it fills out the by and large empty hollow of romantic fulfilment. Lol, romantic fulfilment. Nevermind that.

On another note, I've been playing around with the idea of writing a personal commentary about David Lurie's opera in Disgrace. It's a difficult portion of the novel, but it has interested me for some reason, perhaps because of the fact that I see some of the concepts of writing as a way to make sense of one's life applied in his writing of the opera. Moreover, the opera is extremely pertinent as a reflection of Lurie's internal state of mind, his gradual changes in attitude towards life, and the like. Given the luxury of time, I would really like to look closely at the opera and present my take on it through some kind of an essay. Then again, while I seem to grasp a decent chunk of it, there're many snippets of it which I fail to place a finger on. The extremely abstract portions, in particular, are difficult to grasp, and it feels pointless to write an essay on a subject without delving all the way into its depths. Unfortunately, I've tried to no avail to understand those portions of the novel. Perhaps, in future, I will be able to? We'll see, I suppose. We'll see.

I think I had much more to write, but I'm out of stamina. I'll end here.

2011-10-05T17:01:00.002+08:00

Yet another one of those days when the ghosts of my mind surface and haunt me for no particular reason. I've gotten back all my results for Prelims, and I did surprisingly well, which places me in a relatively safer position than before - though it leaves no room for complacency, of course. I'm generally quite satisfied with that, so it's surely no cause for feeling less-than-boisterous.

As for illness, I'm almost used to being ill since I'm perpetually ill anyway. One day it might just develop into some kind of ultra-illness like Sore Throat Level 100 or something and take my life. I hope not, though. I want to live.

Anyway, I feel like posting about something serious today... though my mind is one disorganised mess of many different thoughts right now, which kinda makes it difficult to write. I'd post about religion, but then again, I dislike censoring what I write... and I certainly won't wish to have some religious fanatic stumbling onto here randomly and reporting me to the authorities for religious slander or something similar to that. So scratch that.

I never run out of things to write about games, but I'm not exactly in the mood to write about that.

Actually, there are a whole lot of things in my head that I wish to post about, but then again, they're all so messy and disorganised that I really don't know what to write about, and where to start. Maybe I should just curb the mind's wildness and go rest like I should.

I've been thinking quite a bit about a whole lot of things. Came to conclusions, though wording them seems a whole lot more difficult than it originally seemed. Sigh, nevermind. I'll leave it for the next time I feel like typing a serious post I guess. It'd be nice if I could instead express them via verse or prose, but those are even more difficult to work with.

Gotta deal with it, I guess.

'Let's Survive.'

2011-10-01T14:57:00.003+08:00

“Let’s Survive.”

Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor Overclocked (3DS) Review

After this title, I’m convinced that Atlus is one of the most respectable game-developers in my list.

A summarised introduction to the game would basically encompass me saying that you, along with a few friends, are hurled into the apocalyptic scenario of being trapped in Tokyo by the government – ironically – with demons running rampant. And if that isn’t apocalyptic enough, you find out that everyone within Tokyo have only seven days to live for some reason you’re unaware of. Thus, your main goal is simple: to survive, or at least that is your initial goal.

Devil Survivor Overclocked is a Tactical RPG – a fairly generic one with tiles, movements, and turn-based combat. The battle system does its job pretty well overall, though I won’t say there’s anything particular deserving mention. While not particularly innovative, the game-play is nonetheless nuanced with various options – such as map abilities like Devil Speed which enable a greater extent of movement – which serve their purpose in creating an engrossing system that I personally had a lot of fun with.

The customizability of the characters in the game is a notable point worthy of praise, however. Each character can wield two demons in combat – what better than demons to fight against demons, after all! – and the characters’ abilities, classified into ‘Command’, ‘Passive’ and ‘Auto’, can be customized to your liking as well, giving a degree of tactical freedom in battle. Certain functions of Persona are recycled as well, most significantly the ability to fuse demons in creating stronger ones – a function that will prove extremely useful and indispensable, you’ll find. In fact, the game gives incentives for the fusion of demons as you can create stronger demons than the usual ones obtained via the Cathedral of Shadows (a platform through which demons can be obtained via auctions), and there’re certain unique demons that can only be obtained via fusion. Really, it’s rather exhilarating to go around fusing demons to obtain newer, stronger ones – especially those marked as ‘Unique’.

Nevertheless, the battle system does prove a little unwieldy at times, and if you’re on your first playthrough, I’d advise you not to play on the ‘Normal’ difficulty unless you’re a very patient or hardcore gamer – because the game can and will get frustratingly unforgiving on certain stages. There have been times when I was so annoyed by a stage that I felt an urge to smash the game – not that I would, well, obviously.

The non-linear style in which Devil Survivor Overclocked works makes the game a whole lot more enthralling, since you’re given quite the degree of freedom in deciding which events to view, how you respond in dialogue and ultimately how your story progresses. In fact, there’re a multitude of endings – six for the seventh day, and potentially an Eighth Day for certain endings – in the game which depends heavily on the choices you make within the game. The replayability of Devil Survivor Overclocked is highly impressive, considering that the New Game+ function allows your second playthrough to be slightly smoother, and the various endings provide even more incentives to try for a different ending.

Still, the same non-linear style can cause the game to feel a tad messy at times. Generally speaking, the game does a well-enough job in staying connected despite the freedom of choice, but there are times when the same information is retold to you, or when the story can feel rather disjoint. Also worth chiding is the fact that the freedom of choice given to dialogue is mostly just for decorative purposes, serving little purpose otherwise.

Now, the most impressive part of Devil Survivor Overclocked is definitely the storyline and the themes explored in it. The initial days of the game were filled with mystery and tension – countless questions with no possible answers; time ticking away at your life and no way to escape the situation – which creates a highly realistic scenario that actually succeeds in conveying the characters’ desperations and fears. All this proves to be highly compelling, such that I could hardly bear to put the game down due to my desire to find out what happens next. That said, it does get a little bit more alienating as things become clearer, though I cannot elaborate much without citing spoilers.

The characters in the game are in general very well-portrayed as well, each with their own stories to tell, their own agendas and their own personalities – never feeling hollow or shallow in general. In the end, almost all the characters which are encountered in the course of the game are interesting in their own rights, and relatable to as well. The tales of each character are sometimes heartwarming, and at other times, heartbreaking.

I admire greatly the realism in the themes which the game’s storyline explores, since they are in fact extremely relatable to, and also highly relevant to the world we live in. To cite an example, the fabric of society is explored to great detail, revealing the ugly sides of our world through a situation which, albeit unlikely to occur in reality, manages to reflect the faces of our society hidden from us in our daily lives. Most notably, religion is a highly prominent theme that runs through the entire game – and this is perhaps to greatest interest to me, considering that Atlus made no attempt to censor its presentation of this highly controversial topic.

I was extremely intrigued by the various mentions of religion, which made the story more interesting in general, although it also proved a bit alienating on the path I ended up choosing. The biblical influences along with the use of Japanese mythology in the game gave it an interesting touch as well, especially in how most of the game presented – unabashedly – rather controversial views of religion. I cannot say for sure what exactly the game is driving at, considering that different characters do indeed offer different commentaries on the matter, but it’s rather admirable that the theme of religion, which is rarely seen in videogames, is so heavily touched upon in a way that allows the game to provoke thought about the real world. Is God truly just?

The game’s aesthetics don’t prove to be that amazing, considering that the entire game is void of cutscenes, and like Persona 3 Portable, dialogue is conveyed via portraits of the characters and voice-acting. Complaints about how the game fails to use the 3D function of the 3DS much at all have surfaced as well, though it is to me a triviality that deserves no more than a passing mention. The characters are nonetheless fairly well-designed and pleasing to the eye, and surprisingly, the English dub proved to be fairly decent as well in general. It would still have been appreciable for the Japanese voices to have been added as an option, however. As for the score, much of it escaped my notice but I do remember a few battle themes which complemented the stage especially well.

Ultimately, Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor Overclocked is an excellent game. It has been criticised in being a lacking port to the DS rendition of the same game, although that is little reason to condemn it – for it is nonetheless a magnificent game which exceeds its DS version with sweeter graphics and more features. While I prefer Persona’s premises overall, Devil Survivor Overclocked is still highly praiseworthy in how it goes beyond possessing a decent storyline in the way it, apart from factoring realism like many Shin Megami Tensei games do, incorporates even religion into its storyline, creating an experience that is inextricable from the issues of our world today.

Of course, it probably isn’t a game for everyone, especially for the staunchly religious who may take offense, or for the more casual gamer. Nevertheless, if you’re up for a relatively intellectual and challenging game, it’s definitely not one to be missed.

Gameplay score: 8.5/10
Storyline & Characters score: 9.5/10
Aesthetics score: 8.0/10
Enjoyment score: 9.5/10

Overall Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor Overclocked score: 91/100
(Note that this is not an average of the above scores, but a score given based on impression.)

I thoroughly enjoyed the game, apart from the fact that I ended up with an ending that, while not being tragic, wasn’t quite to my liking due to its overt religious bias. Also, the few times I was so frustrated with certain stages was a hit to the game as well. Otherwise, ‘Enjoyment’ would without a doubt be a perfect score.

Invictus

2011-09-28T20:53:00.002+08:00

I came across this poem from my school email, and I just felt that it was so powerful and inspiring, so here it is.

'Invictus' - William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

For everyone who fights so hard against their circumstances, I dedicate this verse to you.

Suteki da Ne

2011-09-24T23:11:00.002+08:00

To celebrate the fact that Final Fantasy X is being re-released for the PS3, I'm using Final Fantasy X's theme song, Tidus' and Yuna's song of love, Suteki da Ne.

It's a beautiful song, especially in how nuanced it is with the plot details of the game itself. The lyrics are slow and soothingly melancholic, which really captures the mood of the game IMO. I can't wait to play it!

Suteki Da Ne - Rikki, Nobuo Uematsu - English lyrics

My heart, swimming
In the words the wind has borne
A voice, bouncing
On a tomorrow carried by clouds

A heart, trembling
On a mirror where the moon quivers
A star falls, spills
Gentle teardrops

Isn't it wonderful
If we could walk, holding hands
I'd want to go
To your town, your house, into your arms

To your heart
I leave my body
Mixed into the night
I dream

The wind stops; your words
Are a kind illusion
The clouds break apart; tomorrow
Is a distant voice

A heart flowing
In a mirror where the moon has seeped in
A star wavers, spills
Tears you can't hide

Isn't it wonderful
If we could walk, holding hands
I'd want to go
To your town, your house, into your arms

That face
Touch it, just so
And dream a dream
That melts in the morning

2011-09-22T22:17:00.003+08:00

Alright, so, after two arduous weeks, my prelims are at long last, over. Just briefly, I guess I'll write a bit about it. I don't think I shall go paper by paper or subject by subject to foretell how I did, though.

I honestly can't tell how I'd do; hopefully not too bad, that's all I can say.

Anyway, I shall say that I am personally, regardless of how it all turns out, content. I've fought harder than I ever have or ever had to, so yeah. I think I put up a good fight, whether or not it was a victorious one. For now, I shall forget the results and simply wait.

It's been a tough battle, but yeah. It's over now.

On another note, I began playing Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor Overclocked. Well, as always, I have a good eye for good games, man. I knew it would be a fantastic game and I wasn't wrong... if not for the fact that it's so bloody difficult. I've lost count for how many times I've died in that game...... there's no phoenix down or potions at all, which makes it all the more difficult. Sigh. Nevertheless, its concept is extremely promising and it has a total of 24 endings (like wtf, I doubt I'll go beyond one) since there're 6 different endings for the first ending and 4 different endings for the second ending, following from each of the 6.

I don't know if I can finish this before As though, since I have to study and can't relax for long. We'll see, we'll see.

ZOMG

2011-09-21T21:27:00.003+08:00

I can't wait for Final Fantasy X to come out for the PS3~

Screw MGS HD Collection. Screw Harvest Moon. Screw Tales of the Abyss 3DS. Screw FF XIII-2. Heck, screw even Final Fantasy Versus XIII. I want to play Final Fantasy X so badly, but well, I can wait. After all, I've waited hopelessly for years, believing that it'll never happen - and yet it did. What's a little bit more? At least it's happening now.

It's the one game I MUST play and MUST write a review for. Heck, I already spoiled the whole storyline for myself, so naturally it probably won't be as impactful as playing it without knowing anything about it. So I'm going to give it an extra 5 points to whatever score I give it! /biased

Lalala~

2011-09-20T22:14:00.002+08:00

The road ahead is long. There is still a lot of pain, and there will only be more as the road winds down its path. I muster up strength to walk on, enduring the things that come my way. But sometimes, I just think I'll never be good enough for anything that matters. My body is frail, my language empty and my heart insignificant.

Sometimes, I just want to crumble and cry. Because why am I going through all this? Why should I, if things are so hopeless?

But things aren't hopeless. Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill. That is indeed true.

So I clench my fists and continue walking. I don't cry. I don't crumble. This road is my own to walk. And I will walk it. For that tiny glimmer of hope I imagine to be ahead of me. I will walk.

Even until I disappear completely.

FINAL FANTASY X REMAKE

2011-09-16T14:16:00.002+08:00

Oh my fucking god. It's as if I've received the best news ever in this whole world.

Up until now, the one game I've truly wanted to play is Final Fantasy X; yes, I am willing to bet that it'd be my favourite Final Fantasy ever even though I've never even played it before.

I remember spending hours reading the entire script of the game - I must be insane - and I found that I really loved the storyline. A lot of people hate on Tidus and all. I'm not sure about him, but Yuna's a great character IMO! She's beautiful in a demure way, and the ending scene of Final Fantasy X was so moving to me.

Apart from what I deem to be an extremely powerful storyline, Final Fantasy X had a beautiful score as well, particularly To Zanarkand, which remains as the one piece I love most even today (though with a few contenders like Dearly Beloved).

And guess what? To hell with all the other FFs - they're making a remake of Final Fantasy X, my greatest gaming wish ever. For the PS3 and PS Vita, which means I'd be able to play this game at long fucking last. I don't really know if this is in actuality just a HD port, but I don't even care if it's a port, as long as I finally get to play it. I believe this news is in conjunction with the tenth anniversary of FF X, and I'm really happy.

http://www.siliconera.com/2011/09/13/final-fantasy-x-is-being-remade-for-playstation-3-and-vita/

My day is made, my day is made.

2011-09-16T13:44:00.001+08:00

Alright, back into action.

2011-09-15T23:24:00.003+08:00

Maybe I shouldn't have taken a break at all. When one takes a break, all distractions are lost, and the mind runs wild again.

2011-09-15T19:37:00.002+08:00

A week more. Half-time. I have indeed maintained a state of unprecedented mental strength so far. But now that I have time to catch a breath, I realise how tired I really am. I can hardly move any more, and my mental stamina feels entirely drained, leaving me tired and breathless.

I suppose this is the limit. I wanted to blog a lot today, but I'm too tired to, and after this I won't have the time to since I have to resume my studying.

Ah well.

Alpacas~

2011-09-12T22:15:00.001+08:00

2011-09-11T21:24:00.002+08:00

Well, shit. I'm grossly underprepared. And it kinda sucks to know that the outcome is not going to be pleasing despite all the work. Doesn't help that I'm not well.

Still, I'm not giving up!

I Won't Let Go - Rascal Flatts

2011-09-10T12:20:00.002+08:00

This shall be my war cry.

I Won't Let Go - Rascal Flatts

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that
You think you're lost
But you're not lost
On your own
You're not alone

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh, it finds us all
But we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh, but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let you fall

Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
You're gonna make it
Yeah, I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Won't let you go
No, I won't

2011-09-06T23:02:00.001+08:00

Colder, more cynical, more critical too. Not exactly a bad thing.

But there's something I need to test.

Never give up!

2011-09-03T12:58:00.003+08:00

I requested yet another signature, and I think it's wholly badass and awesome. In fact, it's my favourite of the three I've requested hitherto.

Alright, I'm well aware that the circumstances are wholly against me. Given the situation, it'd be a miracle if I can even pull off a stalemate against the monstrosity known as my prelims.

But I'm not just gonna sit around and wallow in self-pity.

I commissioned the set to remind myself of the figure who inspired me so deeply - fictitious or not, that spirit is genuine. Even in the most trying and impossible of circumstances, he never gave up until the end.

Even though he lost the battle, he gave everything he had in order to make the best out of his death.

I can't just despair. I may not win this battle, but if I'm going to fall, then I'm going to leap as high as I can despite the fall. Perhaps the key thing is simply to never give up.

And therefore, I must push on until the very end. Whether or not I make it, I'm going to give a beautiful fight and never give up!

2011-09-01T13:21:00.003+08:00

OH MY GOD. OHHHHHH MMMMYYYY GGGGOOOODDDDD.

SHIN MEGAMI TENSEI: PERSONA 5 HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED. PLATFORM UNDISCLOSED, BUT PROBABLY FOR THE PS3.

~~*FAP FAP FAP*~~

SHIN MEGAMI TENSEI: PERSONA 4 THE GOLDEN, A REMAKE OF PERSONA 4, HAS BEEN ANNOUCNED FOR THE PS VITA.

~~*FAP FAP FAP*~~

SHIN MEGAMI TENSEI: PERSONA 2 INNOCENT SIN IS GONNA BE RELEASED FOR THE PSP ON SEPTEMBER 20.

~~*FAP FAP FAP*~~

SHIN MEGAMI TENSEI: DEVIL SURVIVOR OVERCLOCKED IS WAITING FOR ME AFTER A LEVELS.

~~*FAP FAP FAP*~~

METAL GEAR SOLID HD COLLECTION RELEASES ON NOVEMBER 8, WHICH I CAN PLAY AFTER MY A LEVELS.

~~*FAP FAP FAP*~~

TALES OF THE ABYSS 3DS WILL BE RELEASED NOVEMBER 11, AND I CAN PLAY IT AFTER A LEVELS.

~~*FAP FAP FAP*~~

FINAL FANTASY XIII-2 HAS BEEN CONFIRMED TO HAVE A JANUARY 2012 RELEASE IN ENGLISH, WHICH MEANS I CAN PLAY IT.

~~*FAP FAP FAP*~~

~~Oh god, I jizzed all over my computer screen. Now it's all white and sticky.~~

Wait, I'm supposed to be studying.

OH SHHHHHIIIII---

Precious

2011-08-29T11:03:00.002+08:00

600th post. I sure spam a hell lot of shit in here.

Anyway, back to Jpop! It's not a reused song, in fact, I only heard it recently, and it's from Yuna Ito! *fanboy scream*

Okay anyway, I love her amazing voice since that time I heard it in 'Trust You', which still remains as one of the songs I like most. Hmm, maybe that shall be the next song I use.

Precious - English lyrics - Yuna Ito

On the day I couldn't see,
my heart I felt insecure
The meaning of loving somebody
it's something I decide myself
truth can be found in everything

I promise you, I won't wander off anymore
I'll be strong... and prove myself to you
I won't run away, I'll turn around to face you
so I can see how you feel, to heart

*I will believe
so the two of us can be together in love
In order for my wish to reach the sky
I will look for you, and pray for the two of us
A pair of thoughts, now they can come
together and from a whole
Your precious love

When pain or bitterness pulls us
apart, we can hold each other
We're no longer alone,
because everything is answered by true love

I will believe
so the two of us can be together in love
I'll hold your hand forever, dont let
go, lets make a promise, the two of us
A pair of thoughts, now they can come
together and from a whole
Just the two of us

I believe that right now we can
strengthen this young and complacent love
There can be truth
A new beginning
I want to be one with you

I will believe
that we can come together
right now, right here, and love each other
So in order to light your light fill me
I hug you tightly

2011-08-27T13:47:00.001+08:00

So that is the answer! But what is the question?

2011-08-25T22:03:00.003+08:00

What does it mean to be alive? I eat, I drink, I breathe, I walk, and yet it feels so empty inside. Empty, and yet simultaneously, filled to the brim with abstractions. They weigh the world to me, but are meaningless to the world.

I have long come to terms with the fact that I'm not made for this world. Perhaps this society. Back when I was 16, I was actually anticipating JC life to some degree - a new environment, a fresh beginning, I thought. Perhaps, that would be where I find a place for myself, a place I'd somehow fit into. I was dead wrong.

On hindsight, things are usually beautified, including memories of secondary school. Now that I look at it objectively, it wasn't all that beautiful a time after all. Better, nonetheless, considering that I had much more time to myself, but far from ideal. Even then, I did not fit in. I felt misunderstood. I felt alone. I felt pressured. I felt alienated. It was merely easier to ignore that, especially since I had a home class in which I could hide in and stay silent. I don't now, and therefore find myself wandering around school, seeking refuge by myself, but to no avail. The crowds are everywhere, and they accentuate that alienation.

To some extent, I would say that I took things for granted, as all humans do, and I only came to treasure things later when I lost them. But even then, to say that the past was perfectly glorious would be a lie. Glorious, yes, but not roses and rainbows. Certainly not.

I don't want to recollect the horrible memories of when I first entered JC. It made me treasure people more, I would say, so it wasn't a completely pointless experience. A lesson without pain is meaningless, for you cannot gain anything without sacrificing something else in return. That is true as much. Because of that pain, I quit finding fault with others. Perhaps not entirely, but significantly, nonetheless. I remember a time when I was much colder to others, and to certain close friends too. I apologise for that. Perhaps, at times, that coldness within me still leaks out, on times like these when I am simply faithless. So faithless, that I wonder if I'm even wrong to be faithless. Perhaps this faithlessness is the truth amidst all the veils.

Still, that pain was... horrible, even on hindsight. It arguably changed me. And yet, over the two years, I have adapted somewhat. I feel no less alienated, but I've coped with it to some degree. I don't love my school, or my class. I don't think I can say that I love them, certainly not. But I've come to at least appreciate them. We laugh together often, at the very least. I've learned to be a cheerful person, senselessly cheerful most of the time, but nonetheless, a person of laughter. Annoying laughter, one could say. It has become instinctive to laugh, so I don't know if I can call it a facade. It used to be, but when one gets used to putting up facades, the facades become one. Still, once the laughter fades, nothing has changed. I revert to that frosty, silent and exhausted soul.

The point is, would things really change if I had another environment? Yes, and no. Yes, because there must be an ideal situation in which people like me can belong to, and live in happily. I strongly believe so, and that naivete is what led me to have hopes for JC. But no, because the question is, does that situation exist, and even if it does, how accessible is it? Life is tinged with too many complexities. Even if I do enter that situation, will I truly be happy? There must be a price to pay, and I may not be prepared to pay that price.

Nevermind the fact that I'm on a boat that may capsize anytime. The next stage of my life is clearly NS. I know for a fact that I will not fit in. In fact, I know for a fact that it will very likely be the worst situation of not fitting in I've ever been in. Why am I so certain? Because inside there is a men's world. Men. Masculinity. I hope that I am not effeminate, but increasingly, I'm starting to think that I probably am. It is nothing to be proud of. What is a male doing, abhorrent of the physical which has long been epitomised by the gender? What is a male doing, timid and emotionally fragile? I hate it, but must I be bent to change that? It is part of my nature, and much as I hate it, part of me wishes to embrace it. The question is, can I?

Either directly or indirectly, they will speak or think of me - the one who failed his fitness test, the one who acts like a girl, the wimp, the wussy. Perhaps the kind will simply whisper to each other when they engage in small talk. Gossip.

I might've been better off being born female. Not that I'm trying to impose some kind of gender stereotype, but at least by societal standards, it's probably more acceptable for a female to be like me, quiet and reserved, weak and timid. Well, look at myself, having social stereotypes enforced on myself. Enforcing social stereotypes on myself, rather. But I am a part of society, the society that expects, and is therefore expected of. People don't usually tolerate anomalies. Can I blame them though, as a person who too has prejudices and is guilty of the sins he preaches against?

Still, don't imagine me getting a sex change, or turning gay. I can't stand men, men as defined by the stereotypical standards, at least. I can't stand myself either, but I am not, technically, a man except in the physical sense, though even that is debatable; at the very least, I lack most of their defining traits, especially their strengths. Somehow, I probably have all their flaws. Insensitivity, superficiality, just to list a couple. And no, I'm not a feminist.

Sigh. In all this bleakness, will I ever find myself? Will I ever be alive? Perhaps it takes a certain fire to blaze my soul to life. Perhaps my heart, too, though I would argue that amidst all the dreariness, my heart is, even if barely, alive. Perhaps that fire will blaze me to nothingness. The nothingness of memory, always beautiful.

2011-08-24T22:53:00.000+08:00

Breathing is so difficult.

2011-08-22T22:10:00.002+08:00

I have sealed my heart. Killed it. But that does not bother me, what's inside is already inside.

Back when I was young, I was such a cute little boy, so promising, so full of potential. Almost, when I look at those photographs, I feel a strange urge to hug him. But he is not me, not anymore.

That was over ten years ago. Ten years from then... now... where am I? Who am I? A displaced entity, soulless, aimless.

What about ten years from now? Where will I be? Who will I become? In the dark corners of a room, head buried in my arms? Just another gear in the machine of society? Nothing at all? Only time will tell.

I feel as if I had a lot to write, but I lack the stamina and brains to do so. I'm incredibly tired; in fact I've been sleeping more than I've been doing work or studying, which is obviously a bad thing.

Sigh, I feel like writing lyrically, but oh well.

2011-08-13T10:44:00.001+08:00

I'm Movin' On - Rascal Flatts

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

2011-08-12T23:40:00.001+08:00

"People's lives don't end when they die, it ends when they lose their faith."

I now truly appreciate the meaning behind that quote. I am faithless, and therefore, dead.

2011-08-11T20:15:00.002+08:00

I need a reboot. A completely fresh start. Preferably somewhere quiet and peaceful, somewhere out of this country. It's all such a mess. I want to just press the restart button, and start all over again. A new beginning. A new environment. A new identity, perhaps.

But I wish still to keep my memories, and most importantly, my heart. That shall not change.

If a Scientist could prove reincarnation, that may be where I'm going. But no, that would be too complete a restart; I might become a cockroach for all I know.

But I am suffocating, stifled. I never truly thought about it this way, but I am suffering in this environment because I am completely deprived of the freedom to do what I want to do. I feel like a caged bird, trapped in this claustrophobic institution and land.

I give, I do not truly know what I want to do. But I know I don't want to do all these things. I am mentally too weak to simply subscribe to it, and therein I am in constant struggle. Or I could look at it at another angle, and say that I am mentally too strong, so much so that I reject these things so strongly that it strangles me, though that would indeed be a stretch.

The key thing is, I can't fit in. I don't belong here. The irony is, I probably don't belong anywhere else either, because the fault is probably with me. Perhaps I simply don't belong to this world. It gets really lonely here, but I have arguably been the cause.

I am not typing coherently, because my brain is in no shape to think coherently. I need to get past this all. I need to be... free from my shackles. But I wonder. Maybe three, four, five years down the road, things will get better.

But I can barely even force myself to get out of bed for three more months. I wish I would simply sleep and not wake up sometimes.

How am I going to get anywhere? I'm trying to awaken some latent strength. Been trying. But there's just none.

God damn it. Just destroy me and reconstruct me. I would really like to feel proud about being myself, but the me that I am is not one made for this world.

Why

2011-08-08T20:27:00.004+08:00

I wanted to post this only next week, when I do my weekly changing of songs, but I can't hold it back any longer. I'm in love with Rascal Flatts (though I'm slow as always when it comes to pop culture and shit), and especially with this song, which moved me to the verge of tears - and that says a lot, honestly. These days, I don't cry to things. Not even Jiraiya's death scene actually made me cry - my eyes were wet, but I did not cry.

The lyrics are in the video, and they're quite self-explanatory. It's a beautiful song with beautiful lyrics, in fact one of the most beautiful I have heard, I believe. The images used are just so vivid and it totally brings out the gripping sadness that is present in its melody.

It's my current favourite song, but I like my current one too, and since I just switched to it yesterday, I shall wait a week before deciding whether to change and what to change to.

And yes, the song literally moved me near tears because it is so powerful, especially at the part which goes:

"Oh why - that's what I keep asking...
Was there anything... I could've said or done...?"

~~If ever I die because of suicide, play it for my funeral.~~

When I heard it, I thought immediately of a scene I want to write. This song fits right in, so much so that I could instantly picture it on screenplay with the song looming in the background.

---

A low rumble in the sky. She ran. He ran. They ran.

Across the huge expanse of ravaged earth, brutally ravaged earth. Tattered foilage, naked shrubs uprooted. Craters here, piles of dirt overturned there. But they paid no attention. They simply looked to the horizon and ran, as fast as they could, so that their minds would not have the space to think of what was to come before it came; so that there was still hope.

But before they could even relish that hope, a sight beheld them. Far away, yet near. Familiar, yet alien. Their steps slowed, but still they ran, till the sight magnified itself, its weight growing heavier and heavier.

She continued to run, but soon fell on her knees. She panted heavily for a few moments, gazing into the distance blankly. Desolation loomed over her as she broke down, closing her eyes, her head drooping.

---

And the lyrics begin here. That was spontaneous, and it reminded me of how much I want to write... sigh.

I've been posting a lot lately. My ghosts have been haunting me a lot lately, though I don't suppose it has anything to do with the lunar 7th month.

My Wish

2011-08-07T11:59:00.001+08:00

I have a newfound love for Rascal Flatts.

My Wish - Rascal Flatts

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

I WANT THIS GAME

2011-08-07T10:59:00.003+08:00

BOOBS AND NINJAS. BOOBS. NINJAS. I WANT THIS GAME.

...just kidding, the boobs are too annoyingly exaggerated and... bouncy.

I want so many things now. I want to throw studies and NS into the fucking drain and just play my ass off. I want a 3DS. I want a PS Vita. I want a fucking awesome HDTV for my PS3. For that matter, I want an iPhone with 3G plan too, so that I have portable internet access.

:( :(

But I have neither money nor time... this is so depressing.

The price for 3DS has plummeted heavily, and I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooo tempted to buy it now. :(

I was just looking at the list of released and upcoming games for the 3DS...

Dead or Alive: Dimensions. For the ~~SEX~~ err, fighting.

Kingdom Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance. For 'Dearly Beloved' (srsly), an awesome soundtrack, and a story that will most likely be deep and tearjerking.

Metal Gear Solid: Snake Eater 3D. A HIDEO KOJIMA GAME. METAL GEAR SOLID. DO WANT.

SHIN MEGAMI TENSEI: DEVIL SURVIVOR. SHIN MEGAMI FUCKING TENSEI. ENOUGH SAID.

Shin Megami Tensei x 2. OH MY FUCKING GOD. TWO UPCOMING PERSONA GAMES. I JUST CAME.

Tales of the Abyss. RPG GAME.

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D. Never played Zelda, but the reviews were insanely good.

This list is not even mentioning all the PS3 games that I want to play...

...but can't.

Life sucks. :(

Transience

2011-08-06T17:24:00.003+08:00

More and more, I've been contemplating this word, which in the past used to be no more than a fancy word for a fancy concept which authors or philosophers like to play on to me. Transient. Transience.

It's one of my favourite words these days. There're other synonyms for it, I suppose. Impermanence. Evanescence. I like those words as well, but they don't seem to capture the idea as well as 'transience' does for me. It's probably just the pronunciation. Trans-, transitional; -ience, the,haunting, fading sound it leaves that encapsulates its own meaning.

The key idea is, all things disappear, or turn into something else, with time. Like decay, or half-life. But let me not digress to the realms of Science, since that's gonna be a headache for me. Nothing truly lasts forever without change. The landscapes of earth have always been changing, even if it has indeed taken billions of years. Technically speaking, transience isn't the best word to go there - billions of years... well, ain't exactly a short transitory phase. Nevertheless, sparing the technicalities, even the most unchanging things seem to change, doesn't it? One could cite the Universe as a counter-example, but I'll suppose even the Universe is changing with time in some way. I remember reading somewhere that the Universe is constantly expanding at the speed of light, so I suppose, in that sense, it doesn't even stay the way it is for the fraction of a second.

Still, I ponder not the vast and overwhelmingly impossible knowledge of the Universe. I am hardly in any position to ponder them anyway, considering that even the simplest Physics is baffling me to no end. I ponder the intangible, the sentiment.

Emotions are transient too; happiness, sadness, anger. Generally speaking, one isn't going to be in constant states of happiness or sorrow. They simply come, and they as simply go. I can experience a state of euphoria when I am, for example, playing a game I really enjoy. However, the next moment could well be melancholy for some other reason. Point is, while certain emotions can indeed last for prolonged durations, they don't last forever.

Ideally speaking, one can abstract to the idea of how true love lasts forever. Forever, relative to what? Death? Needless to say, all things human end with death, but how far can something last the entire duration of a person's life? True love is an abstraction. Love is an abstraction, for that matter. Some may even argue that it is nothing more than a biological state of mind, though I surely would not subscribe to that view, personally. The intangible, perhaps inexistent, ideal of true love remains, floating amidst the mind: "love is not love/ that alters when it alterations finds,/ or bends with the remover to remove" -Sonnet 116, Shakespeare.

While that alone is too sketchy of a definition, I suppose it is the part that pertains to this idea of impermanence, even in love, or on a more specific scale, friendship too. It has become commonplace to hear of break-ups, divorces and the like these days. If there was love, can one simply snap a finger and say goodbye to it? Perhaps the abstraction of love is no longer understood today. Perhaps there is simply no love. Or no love left. Which leads back to the question of whether love can so simply disappear. Perhaps not overnight, but over time. Perhaps there is simply no such thing as true love, merely love that is well-fed and well-sustained: and even then, for how long can it be sustained?

With time, emotions tend to mellow. The same goes for sorrow and pain - even if it does remain, one grows numbed to it over time, and takes no notice of it. The same can be said of love, I guess. I love my parents, obviously I do, but after all these years, I probably take that for granted, and naturally, I'm not constantly feeling that sense of love. It doesn't mean I have no love for them, I'm sure. Perhaps romantic love is the same; once the initial flares of passion die down, the love mellows and fades into the background. It needn't always mean that the love has died, I guess. Maybe, just maybe, in some of those cases in which love has supposedly died, the love has simply concealed itself.

Often, we don't treasure the things we have until they've left us. Absence makes the heart grow fond, so to speak. It is an inevitable part of most humans, I suppose: one can constantly remind himself to cherish things, but that doesn't always happen all the same. A mellowed love can find itself rekindled in the same way - when the subject of the love leaves for an extended period of time or something, for example.

Yet, the question returns. Over an extended period of time, will that love remain? Perhaps I should speak more generally - will that bond remain? The heart has a limited capacity, and as one moves on in life, one meets more people, are acquainted with more people, and are bonded to more people. Eventually, some people will inexorably be displaced from the heart to fit in the newer. One can abstract to the ideal of true friendship or love once again, and say that a true bond between two people will withstand the test of distance. What about time, though?

"Time is the longest distance between two places." -Tennessee Williams

As time passes, can one truly claim that the bond will remain, completely as it were...? I feel a tinge of melancholy as I ponder this. My mind wanders into the past, to faces once illustrious to the world that is my heart; faces once important to me. Some of them, I can barely remember any longer. Others, I see a vague image in memory, fuzzy but nonetheless warm. Time has swept these people, who once were close to me, into memory. Perhaps, in that sense, they don't simply vanish, but most of the sentiment has been lost from those memories, with only a few remnants lingering behind: that of nostalgia. Or one could also say that time has mellowed the sentiment such that I don't consciously feel them, even though they are actually there. Perhaps that is the basis for the reigniting of old flames; sentiments that don't disappear, but merely stay dormant.

I can say with absolute certainty, there're people I won't forget even with time, though the converse, I cannot say. Would they? Perhaps the question is, would I? If all things are so transient, there is little reason to excuse myself. Perhaps one shouldn't even be expecting so much - it is natural for a bond to require sustenance. All things, if left alone and neglected, fall into a state of decadence. Perhaps, my "hopes must be more temperate" (Lurie, Disgrace).

I seemed to have a lot more to type, but I've run out of stamina. That's that.

On an unrelated note, I actually decided to forsake this place and move elsewhere, but at that point, I realised I had completely no clue on how the hell I was to work Wordpress, so I guess I'm keeping this old chap for the time being.

2011-08-05T22:07:00.002+08:00

It is all in the realm of imagination, but disturbingly, I find myself dragged into a dimension that rings with pain and desire. My heart, wreathing and shivering, threatens anew to break through its cage. It fills me with fear unspoken and cannot be spoken of.

Power Overwhelming

2011-08-04T12:37:00.003+08:00

I am just going to take some time to let my mind run wild, because it is often when I do so that I gain some degree of ease. Why, yes, I should be studying, but I'm tired and unmotivated, so I'll just waste a little bit of time - just a little, though.

If I could possess a supernatural ability, the one I've always wanted was to mind-read. This desire goes back to my whole craze about the difficulty of understanding another person, and the ambiguity of language, which often fails to capture in entirety the sentiments behind the words said. So, I figured, the ability to mind-read would solve this issue, although it also means that I'd be reading thoughts that I may have been better off ignorant of.

The said words could be, "You're such a nice person."

The thoughts could be, "Actually no, you're a fucking asshole."

Ignorance is bliss, after all. Although I'd much rather know the truth, I guess it'd be painful to live with this ability. Besides, relying on an ability to understand someone pretty much undermines the sentiment behind understanding someone, doesn't it? It ends up being some kind of gimmick - or tool - which really cheapens the value of trying to understand someone, which potentially matters more than anything else, or so that is the viewpoint that I somewhat subscribe to these days.

So, now, I would ask for something more... out-of-the-world. Something perhaps to some degree, childish and reminiscent of fantasy and the likes -

The ultimate protective ability: the power to eradicate or undo any form of danger, harm or threat from a specified range of target(s). Essentially, a kind of shield, but much more than just that. I have no use for a destructive ability, except for the occasional times when my mind loses its sanity and I simply desire chaos. Considering that those times indeed exist, it would be rather dangerous to grant me some form of destructive ability, so I suppose it'd be wise not to have one, after all.

What I want is not a planet-busting ability, I need something that can stop a planet-busting ability.

I realise it's starting to sound a little bit like Susano'o, but yes, that's the basic idea, I suppose, though what I want is far more than just a shield that stops attacks. I want a shield that not only stops an external threat, but also stops threats from within and reverses any form of damage already done - say, illness or death.

I largely have no meaning of my own in this world, but that is not to say I have completely no meaning. In an abstract kind of way, there are things that mean a lot to me, and therein, I live for them - for now, perhaps, that shall be my meaning to life. I wish to find something that belongs to me one day, but this is all I have to cling to for the time being. I honestly won't know what to do if I lost those things, and for my own selfish reasons and nothing else, I do not want to be put through the pain of that form of loss.

Therefore, if, in some alternate dimension, it were possible to possess power, this is what I would want.

Naturally, defense alone doesn't suffice - retaliation is to some extent, a necessity. Pure defense can stop all attacks, but it can't stop the attacks from coming. So, I suppose some kind of offense is needed - but I would like it to be something beyond my scope of control: something that only activates in a time of absolute necessity. I believe that I am not capable of the responsibility in holding great offensive power - if I lose my rational being to rage or some other form of emotion, which happens easily, I may well regret the things I might do.

Of course, the ability is completely rigged and would completely defy the laws of nature, so it must have its drawbacks - severe ones, at that. The most easy one I can think of is, of course, my life. Or my soul, if that exists. Let each usage of the ability, depending on how far I use it, eat away at me, until I gradually run out.

Not a bad way to die. At least it saves my disgrace.

Speaking of which, I've put aside everything else - which really vexes me endlessly - and have been studying Disgrace a bit these last two days. It's such a beautiful book to me, and it's the only thing that gives me pleasure to study. I don't exactly enjoy studying my other Literature texts all the time - although I still do enjoy them somewhat - but Disgrace is on a whole other level to me.

I was once speaking to a friend of mine about the novel, and he said that he read the novel when he was in a state of being completely broken - and the novel was so heartening to him. I can certainly feel that, since I too am perhaps a little broken - and disgraced.

Enough wasting time. Ignore my bullshit; I'm back to studying whatever I can - and hopefully not fall asleep.

2011-08-01T21:24:00.002+08:00

There is so so much I wish to express, but I repress it all because all meaning is lost in words. I've been thinking a lot, but somehow, I'm not sure what exactly. The words don't really come.

My mind is malfunctioning, and I'm not sure what I'm typing even though there's a lot I really feel like expressing. I just can't put it into words.

Not that it matters. It's all meaningless anyway.

2011-07-30T18:27:00.001+08:00

I doubt anyone saw that post before I deleted it, which is fortunate. But even now, my sanity is running dry.

Roxas theme

2011-07-28T22:20:00.001+08:00

2011-07-28T19:44:00.000+08:00

Sorry.

For everything.

Sorry.

Tuesdays with Morrie

2011-07-23T11:48:00.003+08:00

Tuesdays with Morrie is such a moving book. I rarely, if ever at all, read non-fiction - I rarely read, for that matter - but this one's really meaningful. Disgrace is superior in terms of literary ingenuity, but in all the simplicity of language, there's so much to be learned from this book.

If everyone in this world would think the way he did, the world would be a much better place.

And it reinforces the one thing I value most in life.

Love.

2011-07-22T20:28:00.002+08:00

I am not in sorrow. I am not in pain.

But somehow, my eyes keep tearing. My heart contracts, and a surge of tears just shoot into my eyes, verging upon escape, only to be reeled back in.

Why exactly? I don't even know.

2011-07-20T22:11:00.003+08:00

I've fallen ill again... While it should've been nice to be able to miss lessons, missing lessons at this point in time is honestly not a good thing. I'm already way behind, and it certainly won't help to fall behind even further... ah well.

I wanted to type a long post since I'm feeling a little dispirited - just a little... but eh, I don't really have the stamina to write a long post at the moment.

I guess I'll just leave it at this.

2011-07-17T21:43:00.001+08:00

还有伤，还有痛

还要走，

还有我。

2011-07-14T22:55:00.002+08:00

Beyond the frame of glass; machines of flight.

But they take me no closer.

Dear... by Kana Nishino~

2011-07-13T20:39:00.002+08:00

FWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FFFFFFFWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Wormo VS Youtube: Wormo 1 Youtube 0. Eat that, Youtube! I possessed the spirit of never giving up, and searched for an alternative source. I managed to find one which autoplays and loads fast, and I've even got a mini-MV of Dear... by Kana Nishino on my blog now! Now I can listen to one of my favourite songs ever AND look at a cute Japanese singer at the same time.

Wanna thwart me!? Not so fast!

Okay, actually, this post was meant to be a declaration of power and determination... It should've went something like:

"Wormo-niib, give up. You are but human, while I am God... I am the Six Paths of A Levels."

"Give up!? You'll never make me give up!"

*insert Wormo pwning A Levels*

No, seriously, I intended this post that way. However... I thought of Physics, and I was like:

FML.

2011-07-12T21:38:00.002+08:00

On another note, I fucking hate Youtube because I can't find Dear... anywhere on it.

2011-07-12T21:00:00.002+08:00

It's an uphill battle... but I'm trying my best!

Wormomon~ Mega-Digivolve!

PS: Ignore me. I'm just trying to encourage myself because there's still a part of me which feels sick of this shit and wants to give up. Nothing I can't fight against, though!

2011-07-11T22:44:00.003+08:00

When heavens divide,
I will see the choices within my hands.
How can we ever protect and fight with our tiny souls?
Let me shine like the Sun, through the doubts and fear.
Do you feel the storm approach as the end draws near?

When heavens divide,
Time will come to softly lay me down.
Then I can see a face that I long to see...
And for you, only you I would give anything -
Leaving a trace for love to find a way.

When heavens divide.

Dear...

2011-07-09T15:06:00.003+08:00

I've used this song some time back, but I'm reusing it. :3

Dear... by Kana Nishino, translated lyrics
Even though only 5 minutes have passed
Since I said, “Bye”
I want to see you again already, oh baby
Hold me close boy, miss you

If we were both going home to the same place
I wouldn’t care what time it was, oh no no
If you came home to me and I could tell you goodnight
Do you know how happy I’d be?
Just want to stay with you

But you know, whenever your name lights up my phone
You always let me know
That I’m not alone

When we can’t be together I love you so much
And if I close my eyes I always see you there
That’s all I need to grow stronger
We’ll be together from now on

Nothing can get in our way
We’ll be connected with a constant love
I’ll always be yours alone
These words I want to say to you
Always love you

When my friend gushes over her boyfriend
I start to miss you, oh no no
“Come here and pick me up”
Do you know how happy I’d be if I could say that?
Just want you to stay with me

But wait, I guess I can’t be selfish
I don’t want to trouble you
Because you’re always trying your best
And I love your smile when you do

When we can’t be together I love you so much
And if I close my eyes I always see you there
That’s all I need to grow stronger
We’ll be together from now on

Nothing can get in our way
We’ll be connected with a constant love
I’ll always be yours alone
These words I want to say to you
Always love you

“I’m doing fine”
I’d be lying if I said that
But because of you I can say
“It’s going to be alright”

When we can’t be together I love you so much
And if I close my eyes I always see you there
That’s all I need to grow stronger
We’ll be together from now on

Nothing can get in our way
We’ll be connected with a constant love
I’ll always be yours alone
These words I want to say to you
Always love you

More than anyone else
I love you.

Random

2011-07-09T14:08:00.002+08:00

I requested a new set.

Saber-chan~

It's obviously not made by me.

My previous set was:

Now all I lack is an FMA set, which I'll request in a few months. =D